Healthcare Reform?

Somehow, I am confused again. There seems to be some debate about health care in the U.S. Can some one please explain what the issue here is because I don't see anything but great health care and it costs as little as $29 a month.

Lets look at the three types of health care plans.

Basic $29-$42 per month this plan includes regular visits, emergency care and diagnostic

Regular $52-$89 per month add more options for providers and plastic surgery

Premium $79-$129 per month add specialists, more options for providers and self diagnostic options

Sadly, none of these plans include dental or opthomalogy, but they are all encompassing for your family and friends. That's right, you can include as many people as you want at any given time, on to your plan. There are no hidden fees.

"How do I get in on this?" you ask.


Turn on your damn TV.

Basic gets you; General Hospital, House, Scrubs, Hawthorne, and Greys Anatomy

Regular adds; Nurse Jackie, Nip and Tuck, and Doc

Premium adds; ER, Mercy, MASH, St. Elswhere, Third Watch, Chicago Hope, Medic, The Nurses, Dr. Kildare, Becker, Marcus Welby M.D., Doogie Hauser M.D., Trapper John M.D., Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Robert Hartley Ph.D. Ask Jeeves, and WebMD.

If you can't find a practioner from this list that suits your needs, may I reccomend Dr. Quincy M.E. or Dr. Jordan Cavanaugh M.E. How much do we spend on these shows? How many calories are consumed while watching them?

I guess the real question is; If the media is really so liberal, then why do they care more about producing shows depicting excelent health care instead of doing something to expedite real health care?

Perhaps we will just have to stay tuned.......

State Wars

State Wars

Not Entirely Hopeless

In the beginning...................................................

A

long, long

time ago, in a

galaxy far, far away.

Actually it wasn't that long

ago, like 28 years or so, and it

was in Texas, so really that is pretty

much this galaxy, so it really wasn't that

far, actually it was pretty recent and reletively

close so forget that first part all together. I'm not sure

where I was going with that, in fact, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, so like this hero dude was born in Texas like less

than 30 years ago and he was destined to do something, but

nobody knows what that was, so here goes. We'll just have to

figure it out as we go..........................................................................

This is the true life story (mostly true, some creative liberties have been taken only in the intrest of making it interesting) of a boy, born in the desert state of Texas, who grew to be a man. What follows is the story of Splencer Skywalker.

(insert music of some kind, horns I guess, maybe some timpany drums, I don't know)

Splencer was born on a cold fall day in Texas. It was like 98 and he came out so sunburnt and this made him grumpy, a trait that would follow him throughout his life. As Splencer grew he learned all the things that little boys in Texas learn; spitting chaw, making that stupid long horn symbol with is index and pinkey fingers, telling hispanics do do his chores, and eating. Splencer loved Texas livin. Unfortunately for our young hero, just before he was to graduate from cow-poke school, (the equvilent to elementary school everywhere else, Governor George W. Bush had a "no poke left behind" program in Texas and then President Bill Clinton misinterpreted what Governor Bush was saying and did something completely different here in Washington) he was whisked off in the dark of the night, not unlike the Baltimore Colts, and inprsioned in California (home of the Brady Bunch, you might remember).

Splencer was a sinewy lad and many said that the force was strong with him, thus creating a battle that would wage for years to come. The power of the dark side was very strong in the prison colony of California, with Dark Lords of names like, Grey Davis, Feinstein, and Boxer each attempting to woo a clear and free mind to the darkness that resides in all people who cannot get passed their guilt for being rich and white. Thankfully for our hero, he was dirt poor, so he had to rely on the strength of the good side of the force called "reason" to battle the attractive and easy side of the force called "pinko, commie socialism, blinded by having feelings like a woman who cries due to pregnancy, menopause or some other hormonal influence that cannot be explained by science or any other form of locic" or "liberalism" for short.

Splencer grew strong and large, legend says when he was 14 he grew a foot, this made dancing tough and dating was rare due to him always tripping over his feet. Professionals never were able to tell if it was an additional left or right foot so they cut it off. While recovering from the foot surgery, Splencer had a vision (many alcoholics would call this a moment of clearity). In his dream he saw two wise prophets. They had a look of great concern and then suddenly the fat profit spoke, "I am the Grand Wizard Blackeye Master Mikey D, and this is my associate Master Blackeye, Heyjay. We need you to come to the heart of the strugle between good and evil, come to us, come to Washington, the force is strong with you." Then thay all did a baby GM and Splencer awoke.

Splencer was eager to follow his vision, for he knew now that it was his destiny to go to the battle ground and defend reason at every turn, just as the prophets asked him to, but he still had unfinished business in the Wicked West. Splencer had a few months left to finalize his graduation from Save the Planet School (high school to you and me) and there was the finals in the State Dumpster Diving Competition where Splencer would be representing his school, The P.E.T.A. High, Protesters versus their arch rival The Dogwood Alliance High, Tree Huggers. It of course ended in a tie so that no one would get upset, they all hugged, and shared the trophy made from butane free cow dung.

And now our hero heads east to follow his destiny...........

Splencer arrived in Washington, DC and prepared to go to battle at American University where the dark side of the force ran wildly rampant. He did not know where to find the prophets from his vision and he kept a wathchful eye for their existence. For 3 years he fought on his own with minimal success, learning little lessons along the way as his control of the force became more proficient. Then one day, as if by chance, he found the Blackeye Master Heyjay. Heyjay was in dusguise and created an atmosphere of indifference towards Splencer, thus making Splencer hate and mistrust him. After time a bond between the two was formed and it was time for Heyjay to reveal his identity to Splencer and thus introduce him to Mikey D and further his knowledge of the force, solidifying every defense against the dark side. The three pioneers launched their effort to use the force for good, as the dark side continued to ravage the people with lies and misinformation, specifically utilizing a tool that one of the most evil of all of the dark side of the force (Al Gore) invented, the internet. This internet had the ability to reach people instantly and pass false images and distortion on to weak wit, thus creating a mindless army of drones to fight for the dark side.

During the upbringing of our hero, almost simultaneously on the other side of the world, a young woman was reared and she had a destiny far beyond anything tht she or anyone that she knew could have imagined. Princess Mangela was anything but a princess. She picked up the nickname as a young lass when her classmates assumed she was Jewish, and it stuck. The kids in school would tease her because she was freakishly tall and Jewish (she was tall but not Jewish but that made little difference to the kids who were only trying to make her mentally strong). They would chant "Princess Mangela sucks, Princess Mangela sucks!"(This was oxymoronic because by the pure nature of those three little words "Princess Mangela Sucks" proves that she was not of the Hebrew faith) and the chant became shortened to "P-M-S, P-M-S!"

Fearing that Princess Mangela would develop a thick skin and become socially resilient, her parents removed her from regular school and placed her in a rudimentary communal hippy program. Over the years, she was infultrated by the dark side of the force which festers itself in hippy colonies. She learned the evil ways of unconditional love, free thought, (not really free at all because when the pot wears off you could be in jail or forget who you are especially if some sort of psychadellic antigen is introduced to create the level of disassociation from reality that allows people to entertain thoughts of unity and equality as they pertain to the financial distribution of wealth) the abilty to do nothing while receiving government subsidies, and most importantly, the strong distaste for people who reason by utilizing logic.

Destiny placed these to young liegonaires on a collision course and the prophets were ready. Splencer and Mangela met and quickly became intrigued with each other. Seldom would the differences in upbringing saddle their friendship and they would develop a relationship outside of the influences of the force. Blinded by their affection for each other, the two would grow to become inseperable. Slow and menotenous work by the Blackeye Masters would begin to liberate the infected mind of Princess Mangela while unknowingly Splencer would have an influence of paramount proportions.

Princess Mangela was tricked into relocating closer to the fight between good and evil by Splencer and she took up residence in the warring city of Washington, DC. Moving from the solace of the brainless hippy commune in rural America was quite the shock initially, but the addictive nature of the freeing of her mind overtook her previous comfort. As Mangela transformed in to a realistic thinker Splencer grew in strength. The Blakeye Masters turned the development of Princess Mangela, into a true warrior for good, over to Splencer and awarded him the title of Blackeye Knight. Mikey D and Heyjay were busy recuiting one of their toughest prodigees (a young man so infected by liberalism that it turned him gay) Moe Horton.

The fight for good continues. Splencer has done so well with his learner that he was rewarded with her hand in marriage (the thought being that if we can't turn all liberals to the good side of the force, we will breed them out) and the turning of Moe Horton (to the good side of the force) continues to progress but for now, a small victory for the good guys. May the force be with you.

Unless you are a liberal and then go suck a lemon.

To be Continued..............................................................as long as people read this and we can line up sponsorships with lots of money. If not go suck a lemon.

For my dear friends Spencer and Angela. Congratulations on your engagement!

I love you both!

Migration, The Off Season

Migration is very essential to our ecosystem and our social fabric in the U.S. We must, therefore, look at all of its unique forms and incidences to better understand the impact that it has on our daily lives as it pertains to each and everyone of us.

Let's first look at the most commonly thought of form of migration, birds fly south for the winter. Birds migrate because the food supply diminishes dramatically in the cold of winter and birds, having the ability to fly, have discovered that the farther south they go, the warmer it gets and their food supply is greater.

This is in direct contrast to the reasons that old people move south. The elderly move, specifically to Florida, for three reasons; the warm weather reduces the pain in their joints, there is no state income tax, and they like to feed birds. There is nothing sadder than an old person sitting on a park bench in the frigid cold with a loaf of bread, who has no birds to feed.

Birds will return to their northern homes in the spring when their food supply is replenished and fresh. Old people die in Florida.

A very hot button issue currently in American politics is immigration. The growth of the Hispanic population has skyrocketed to the point where they have a very strong political voice. We are printing signs, tests and directions in Spanish. Are you kidding me, the only thing we let the Chinese have is a couple of city blocks in a few cities where they could litter the buildings with their silly language that no one understands. At least the Chinese language looks like some form of artwork and the food smells good. For all I know basura and hot sauce are the same thing.

This, however, is not the problem with the Hispanic migration to the U.S. When the migration began, no one complained because here came a work force, that would show up every day, work for less money, and do jobs no one else wanted to do. But now, the Hispanics have saturated our largest cities and are forced to move to middle America (you know where I mean, Red States). Taking the philosophy of hard work for less pay with them (to a more rural environment) Hispanics have displaced a bunch of trailer dwellers who aren't smart enough to do anything else. Where will they go? Canada?

Washington D.C. has a very distinct annual migration season which has just ended.

The Flight of the Touron.

Every year, beginning in April, a sea of people flock to the nations capital to frolic in the glow of our pristine buildings and the awe of our history. We Washingtonians recognize the need for this migration and attempt to embrace it. The financial gain we incur and the pride we have for our city outweigh the disdain and pity we actually feel for these people. So, as it is now November, and all of the tourons have returned to their homes in territories that were purchased from other nations and not actually fought for, lets have some ground rules for next April when they return.

1. DON'T WEAR MATCHING SHIRTS
and certainly don't put your names on them. I assure you that I do not care that you are "The Dumbshits from Latimer, Kansas". I figured that out when I saw all five of you in orange shirts.

2. NEVER SAY "THIS CITY IS SO CONFUSING"
it's a f#$%ing grid. Just like you learned in grade school. Four quadrants? Remember jack ass?

3. NEVER READ A MAP IN PUBLIC
you just look like a retard. I recommend that you study up before you get here, but if that ends up being to much of a challenge for you, ask someone at your hotel where to go.

4. NEVER EVER TALK ON THE METRO
we don't know you, nor will their be any benefit in knowing you. We certainly do not want to hear about the tractor pull and hay ride from last week. So shut up and read (as long as it is not a map) like everyone else.

5. DON'T ASK ANYONE IF THEY ARE A LOCAL
all you need to know is that you are not.

6. DO NOT USE THE ESCALATORS AT ALL
you are not smart enough to figure out the complicated formula of stand right walk left.

These six simple rules are actually for your safety. It is these actions that alert criminals to the fact that you are an easy target. Our crime rate actually doubles during the period of the touron migration so if you are planning to visit use these rules as a guideline for every ones benefit. And when you return home, you will have plenty of fond memories to share with the Hispanic who has taken your job.

And the Oscar Goes To

Fewer than 13 days till the Academy Awards. Hooray!!! Hooray!!!

I might not sleep till then.

I realized that I actually saw two of the films nominated for best picture and slept during them both. So the only real reason to watch this show will be Ellen, and it all starts on the red carpet.

"Ellen, Ellen, Who are you wearing?"

"Well the jeans are from the Gap, my shirt is from Abercrombie and I guess I got the shoes at Foot Locker. Anyway its just an honor to be nominated."

"Ellen, you're not nominated, you're hosting!"

"Well I hope I win then."

So, on the oft chance that you will not be able to get to see all of the pre-Oscar hype, pay close attention to my predictions and commentary of the 79th Academy Awards. (hold for applause)

I will be foregoing a few categories because I do not want to ruin the entire show. So if you are dying to get the 411 on who will win for music, or costume, or directing or either sound category (How do you give an Oscar for sound editing and sound mixing? Is there a difference? Its like a giving a fruit award to best apple gala and best apple red delicious.) you will be disappointed with what follows.

BEST ACTOR (not best acting in a leading role, I'm old school damnit)
the nominees are:

Will Smith for his performance in a movie that is spelled wrong (Happyness). Christ if you can get your film all the way to the big screen you can afford spell check.

Leonardo DiCaprio for being a hot young white guy who people will recognize on the street.

Forest Whitaker for somehow still having a career after the Crying Game.

Peter O'Toole for still being alive.

Ryan Gosling for, who the hell is this guy? Good luck stranger.

And the Oscar goes too. Jazzy Jeff who runs on stage with headphones and all, steals the Oscar and yells, "I finally got mine you freshy prince!!!!"


Hottest Chick in a Movie that Talks

Penelope Cruz wins hands down for her portrayal of an Hispanic woman speaking spanish. Plus she is under 60 and has legitimate cleavage.


BEST IN SHOW
the nominees are:

Babel-producers state their case by explaining that this movies' title is closer to a palindrome than any other nominee.

Little Miss Sunshine- A whole movie dedicated to glorifying a disfunctional family and the pure pleasure of making fun of the fat girl.

Letters from Iwo Jima-I got nothing. How do you make a whole movie about letters? Booooring.

The Queen-big fight over the title of this movie. Producers are still pissed that they were not permitted to release the movie with its original working title; Birdcage II

The Departed-This movie had it all, stars, murder, chicks, and Markey Mark. Okay here's the scenario; Leo Dicap, Jack Nic, Jason Bourne, President Bartlett all show up for this film but its Whalberg who gets all the accolades. In your face New Kids.

And the Oscar goes to;



The Saddam Execution cell phone footage. Best thing I saw all year.


So get your spot on he couch ready, open a bottle of blush, and pop some corn. If you drink the entire bottle in the first hour you might just pass out before the end. But lets be real, who has that kind of luck. Enjoy!

The Accidental Texter

Hello... My name is AJ and I'm a Textaholic!

Hi AJ.

It started about 2 years ago when I learned that communicating could be done this way. I was simply a social texter. This is where you make simple quick texts to people like, "5 min. Away" and "call me". Now I have lengthy conversations using only key strikes. It is so bad that I don't even like to talk to people any more. When my phone rings it is almost an inconvenience. I have a voicemail message so long that it is a deterrent for people to leave a message encouraging them to text me.

It has gotten so bad that I find myself texting in the morning, all day long, and into the night. I can't stop. My friends are classic enablers. When I don't receive immediate responses to my messages I start to get the shakes. I need help!

As effective a means of communication as texting is, I recognize that it can be abused and I am guilty as charged. It is starting to effect my relationships with my family and I believe an intervention is on the horizon. My mom sent me a text earlier this week, she does not like this form of communication, that said, "Do we have to keep fucking communicating this way?" My response, because I am under the influence of texting all the time was simply, "If you want to talk to me, we do!"

Now I know people who are binge texters, this is where they go on texting cycles for a couple of days or so and then return to normal communication. I know some maintenance texters, people who text all day long but never get out of control. I do neither of these things. I check my phone every 30 sec. Or so and if I don't have some new info it is bad. Really bad.

I have a dear friend who is as bad as I am, maybe worse. She is known as the accidental texter because she sends texts to the wrong people. For instance, if she wanted to tell me something about you, she would type a message and send it to you by mistake. Then after a while I would receive a text saying "what no response?" to which I would reply, "what are you talking about?"

OOOPS!!

The good side of that coin is that you know exactly what people think of you, like it or not.

Phantom texting is another drawback to the world of communication. This is where a third party takes possession of your phone when you are unaware and begins sending messages to people as if it were you. This can be very dangerous. To prevent trouble, I have created coded signals for people so that they are aware that I am the texter. How bad is that?

Anyway, I feel better getting this off my chest. I don't think that I'm going stop because the texting lifestyle suits me and I feel that I can keep it under control. It hasn't effected my work yet and I don't seem to get violent when I text to excess.

Thank you for listening and ...... What? Oh my phone is beeping. Gotta GO!

The Rules

I am a rules guy!

If someone has taken the time to implement a rule, I firmly believe that it should be followed with extreme prejudice. Now, I am not opposed to changing rules that are outdated or irrelevant. For example, if you want to shoe your horse on public property, I don't have a problem with it (just bring a shovel). It is then the responsibilty of rule makers and the surrounding community to enforce the rules any way they can as long as the enforcement of the rule does not violate some other rule (PETA hates tar and feathering for obvious reasons).

Following are some examples of incidences where rules are involved:

There is a coffee shop in my neighborhood. This shop shall remain nameless but it is very popular (you need to bring several "sawbucks" to afford the beverages). Due to the location of unsaid store, parking is not provided and the customers have completely taken over the intersection. It is sooooo bad that one day I witnessed a police officer parking on the sidewalk. If the protectors and enforcers of the law can not enforce or obey the laws themselves, I am going to have to personally get involved.

I can be seen following people to their illegally parked cars asking them, "Is that your car? Is that your car? Is that a space? Cause I had to step into traffic to get around your parked vehicle. I almost died! Where are you going? I'm still talking to you. Don't forget to signal when you pull out. Drive careful!" I usually get a hand signal.

Or, how about the lady who parks at the bus stop and runs in real fast (there is no such thing as "real fast" in this coffee shop) and comes out to find me sitting in her back seat.

"What are you doing in my car?"

"You mean bus, don't you lady? You were at the bus stop. Now I am ready to proceeded. There is $1.35 in you ashtray, so lets go."

"Oh, I almost forgot, I need a transfer."

It is illegal to use a mobile phone without handsfree technology and operate a motorized vehicle simultaneously in the District of Columbia. Unless you are a cop. If kevlar is standard issue why not a fucking ear piece?

I get them back by throwing on my vintage Thirst Aid Helmet (you know the one, with the piping coming from the helmet acting as a straw so you can wear your beverage on your head and still drink while at a game or something) and placing a PBR on each side, get in the car and go. When I get pulled over the following conversation is inevitable;

"Are you drinking?"

"Yes sir, but it's handsfree so my attention is on my driving."

Why stop short with the mobile phones, their just the new kid on the block. People have had distractions in the autos for years. Let's make it illegal to while driving; eat, read, shave, put on make up, smoke, masturbate, sing along with the radio, get a pedicure and turn right on red after stop. My bad, that's silly, you can smoke. (just not in California, NY or any other smoke free municipality)

All I'm askin' of you is this, will you please park legally when going into spend your $10 a day on coffee? I assure you that the time it takes to find a legal spot is less than replacing 4 tires and a windshield. Thank you and make it a great day!

Let's All Go On A Diet

Close your eyes if you will and picture...... Americana. What do you see? If you draw your visions from pop culture you may see; waving wheat, apple pie, baseball, a Chevy in a levy, purple mountain majesty or even a farmer, his wife and a pitch fork. Perhaps you see; kids playing in a field, a local barber shop with patrons sitting on the stoop, the hustle and bustle of Wall Street or any Rockwell painting. What Norman Rockwell will not show you is the true American; A 300lb. woman pushing a stroller with 3 toddlers while working a Big Mac, a soda that you could swim in and a Marlboro Ultra Light. I saw this! At the Zoo no less. I guarantee that this woman has a book somewhere in her home which will teach her how to lose all that weight and be healthy (thank god she is on the right track by smoking ultra lights).

Yesterday, I was on an elevator in a medical building going up. The elevator stopped on 5 where a woman entered holding a sub sandwich of some kind in one hand (it smelled great, cheesesteak if I'm guessin') and a large fountain drink in the other. She was wearing the colorful outfit of a nurse and she was definitely heavy for her height. I mention this only because she got off the frickin elevator at 7. Two floors! Had she walked up the damn stairs two flights perhaps the soda and sub might not add to the roundness of this poor UNINFORMED MEDICAL PERSON. How does this happen?

Japan has been trying to "Americanize" since the end of WWII. What has it gotten them? FAT!!! The average weight of a Japanese person has increased buy 25lbs.. Since 1960. It's not because they are getting taller. They went from 135 on average to 160. That's a big difference! Thank You Very Much Ray Kroc!!!

So lets all go on a diet! But which one? There are so many. We could try the Atkins Diet but Dr. Atkins slipped on ice and went into a comma before dying of his injuries. His Doctors claim that he did not have enough carbohydrates in his system to "pull through". Let's look further.

The South Beach Diet. This one is great! For the first two weeks you starve yourself near to death (I believe that's actually called anorexia) and the you gradually work your way up to the healthy point of going clubbing until dawn every night "dancing the pounds away". That sounds too expensive and I hate Florida.

Basically we should stay away from any thing that has diet in the name. If look up the word diet you will find that it is; a synonym for gimmick to suck cash out of fat people.

What about all these great work out tapes on the market. We can "Sweat to the Oldies", have rock hard abs, punch the pounds away, and dance our way into a size 2. I'm a dude so I do not know what a size 2 is. If you have ever tried one of these tapes or DVD's then you know the only part of you body that gets a workout is your neck from constantly looking around to see if the neighbors are watching. If you have a lot of extra shelf space or a box that needs filling in your storage area this is a good way to go.

How about a home gym? Body by Jake? The Ab Lounge? (this makes sense, why not the stomach hammock?) Bowflex? (have you ever tried to put one of these together? It's like building spider web) Save your money and buy a coat rack. It's cheaper and serves the same purpose.

So what are we going to do? It's no wonder that the consumer is just getting fatter and fatter. Maybe we should go with a more simple approach. I have always believed that when it comes right down to it, the answer to most physical problems can be found in either math or physics. So into the lab I go. I'll be back soon.

musical interlude






Eureka! I've got it! Here is the formula that will save us all.

CB-CC=WV (calories burned minus calories consumed equal weight variance)

So if we consume more calories than we burn we will get fat, but if we burn more than we consume we will get thin.

So have a half a sub, a small drink and take the fuckin stairs.

Hero

I've been struggling to come up with some new material due to the serious nature of current events. I mean how do you poke fun at the Pope? Terri Shiavo? Johnnie Cochran? Okay! We can take a stab at him, oh my bad! (no pun intended, if the coffin don't fit..........). So I thought I should reflect on the concept of Hero and what it means.

My dear mother and I have had conversations about heros and specifically what and who they are. Now if you know me at all, my first response to who I have as a hero is, "I don't idolize anyone but me!"

Then I think back to my elementary school years and remember a project that we did in the 4th grade. We had a classmate trace our body outline onto a large piece of paper (if this would happen today I would need to get bids from at least 3 contractors to perform the work that a little 8 year old girl did 20 some years ago. All right 27 years ago!) and then we drew, colored, and pasted an image of our hero on to our outline. Now, even then, I remember that selecting someone to idolize was difficult, but I couldn't just leave a chalk line on the floor and wait for Quincy M.E. to happen by and start asking questions (he was the Miami CSI of his day). So I forced myself to choose someone and complete my school project (This habit of finishing school projects would only last for a few more years because when adolescence arrived I had the unique experience of discovering that I knew everything and no longer needed stupid uninformed adults to attempt to give me instruction).

So what is a hero? In my opinion a hero is someone who runs into a burning building and saves lives. This definition does not allow for hero worship, which is where I fall short. I can not account for the public or historical figure that someone may consider to be a hero.

Technology and mass information gathering has hindered this form of idolization. As recently as the 1960's Americans respected the office of the President regardless of their political affiliation. Today we get every quote and verbal gaff digitally beamed to us. Technology and communication has humanized people who once seemed to carry elevated status and has armed those who have views in opposition, thus further dividing the already polorized populous. My god! I read last month that Abraham Lincoln was gay. Imagine reading that in the paper in 1863. Instead of the Emancipation Proclamation we would have gotten new shoes for everyone and moved the capital to Providence, Rhode Island. I can see Lincoln saying, "Heeeeeyy, will all you southern fellas just relax and have a Cosmo? If you do, it's Gucci for everyone." Bam! No civil war.

There are, sadly, some self proclaimed heroes. What has Bill Cosby been doing in the media these days? Bill has lost his mind. He has proclaimed himself as the moral disciplinarian for African-American youth. Does he not remember his television program was the whitest thing on TV ever? I mean come on, The Dukes of Hazard a had more realistic "urban" feel than the Cosby Show. They are never gonna buy it Bill!

Or what about heroes who don't want to be heroes? Charles Barkley told sports reporters, when asked if he should act more like a role model for the younger fans, "I don't want to be a role model!" Then he turned into a dinner roll. A basket full of em' to be precise.

Then there are the destructive heroes. Do you remember Charles Manson? He still to this day has a small following and its not because of his folk music. How about David Koresh and Jim Jones? That really worked out for their followers. Hitler is hero to some! On that note I have decided to start a Richard the Lion Heart fan club you can join if you bring a bible and an eager Muslim. Lets make Uncle Joe Stalin a hero, he only killed people who were going to starve anyway.

You are all cordially invited over to my house to celebrate Slobodan Milosovic Day where we will watch excerpts from last years roast of Idi Amin. Not to give the ending away but Sese Seko Mobutu gets the crowd rolling in the isles when he tells the story of his and Amin's adventures in Ibiza and the "little Spanish girl" who lost her way.

Hero is a very personal and subjective topic. I personally am not comfortable selecting heroes and it is probably because of the connotation that I have associated with the term. I do respect and admire people. I respect accomplishment when there should be none. I admire people who do more than simply what is expected of them day in and day out.

Thomas is the man who cleans my bar at the end of the night. As I am finishing my money we often have an opportunity for small chatter and I have been able to learn a few things about him. This man works constantly and I have never heard him complain. He always smiles and says hello (you try doing that at 3 am). He is putting his daughter through a top 25 college and she is considering going to medical school. He is proud. In this world of feed me now and hurry up and die, Thomas has earned my respect because he doesn't work that way. His work ethic is amazing and his goals are simple. I don't have a hero but I admire the focus and will power that Thomas exemplifies to me every single day.

Since it is long over and there is nothing that I can do about it now, Roger Staubach will have to remain glued to my outline. Unfortunately, he is a lot taller than me, so his feet didn't make the cut. Let Quincy figure that one out.

The Life and Times of a Modern Day Vampire

I was returning from my daily morning trip to the lobby of my apartment building where they are compassionate enough to serve complimentary coffee each day until 11 am. (that's 8 am for my friends on the west coast, shout out to T-$ and Maddog) when a random woman had the following exchange with me on the elevator. (As a rule, I do not make small talk with fellow elevator riders. It seems to me to be an absolute waste of perfectly good quiet and ultimately meaningless. Try this, the next time someone gets on an elevator with you and says something benign like "Some weather we're having huh?" Please feel free to respond with this, "Yeah, kinda wants to make you go out slaughter elephants and roll around in your own feces doesn't it?" They will take your point.)

Anyway.....She said to me, "Is it still cold outside?" (always wheather on the elevator, I don't get it)

To which I responded, "I don't know yet, but it was cold when I got home, because I'm a vampire."

She preceded to turn ghostly white and fix her stare on the elevator floor. I, not totally without sensitivity, I attempted to put her at ease buy saying, "Not to worry Hun, big night last night. I'm still full." I will never have to talk to her again.

Now, please don't get me wrong, we people of the night don't just randomly express detest for the day people. We are simply operating on a different schedule from them and hoping to co-exist without alienating ourselves or upsetting the delicate balance of our two worlds. We need day people because they are our primary source of food, and they need us because we become the catalyst for providing them with an escape from the mundane day world by leading them into the adventures of the night. We must co-exist, so this should serve as a guide to understanding and appreciating vampires.

What is a vampire? The definition of vampire has varied over the years but it is simply this; someone who is in the service industry and works late nights. The first vampires were reported in Eastern Europe where pub owners and their wenches would stay up all night doing body shots and keg stands until the first rays of light would hit the cracks in the boarded windows. Screams from the partiers could be heard across the village when the sun hit their red and swollen eyes, but quiet would soon ensue as they scampered cockroach like to the darkness to sleep off the booze. They would then rise as the sun settled behind the horizon, pale and hollowed from hibernation, starvation pounding at their stomach walls keeping sychronized rhythm with the hammering inside of their heads. A quest would begin for food and wine. As the first shadows of moonlight hidden, danced across the village streets, our night people could be seen escaping the haze of wine withdrawal as they gulped and feasted, returning their beaten and beleaguered bodies to the strength and vigor which manifests in the night air. The cycle complete, to be repeated daily and for eternity.

Some misnomers and explanations:

Vampires suck peoples blood. Untrue. The myth of the vampire reached London and they quicky realized they they too had a very serious vampire problem hidden within the Tavern and Inn community. Vampires would be seen stumbling home (to their lair) after imbibing for countless late night hours with the reminence of wine stained on their clothing. This was the time of the high collar, which was most often white, and the stains from wine spillage would look like blood. So obviously the vampire was out sucking blood from unsuspecting lasses all night long.

Dracula was a vampire. No. Bram Stoker made him one. In 1897 Stoker published his horror novel which loosely, and I mean very loosely, was based on Vlad Dracula First Prince of Walachia. Vlad Dracul was the ruler of Walachia and placed in to exile before his son Vlad Dracula was born in 1431. Dracul means dragon in Romanian and Dracula is appropriately translated to son of dragon. In 1447 Vlad Dracul was murdered thus leaving the throne to his son Vlad Dracula. Dracula ruled with an iron fist motivated by rage and revenge. He killed tens of thousands of his own people, impaling them and leaving their limp impaled bodies in public view as a reminder to all that he was absolute. He was Vlad the Impailer. To the best of my knowledge, he never owned or even worked in a tavern or pub. He was just a viscous dude, and Bram Stoker was grossly uninformed.

Vampires don't like garlic. Come on! We work in bars and restaurants.

Crosses and wooden stakes are the best defenses against vampires. First of all, crosses themselves have no effect on us so stop wasting everyone's time and put them away. Granted we are not a big "church going" crowd and our lifestyle perhaps makes us vulnerable to sin and subsequently ex-communication, but to assume that we will be harmed by an iconic artifact is senseless. A wooden stake through the heart will kill us, but so will just about any other form of execution. We are not impervious to bullets, knifes, or boring conversation. If you want to kill us, the best way is to remove all of the 24 hour diners and carry outs across the nation. We will eventually die of insanity or malnourishment.

Vampires sleep in coffins. Where does one buy a coffin to sleep in? A vampire walks into Mattress Discounters and asks the salesperson, "I'm looking for a king size coffin to complete my new bedroom suite, can you show me something from you Colonial Collection?" A sure fire way to end up in the pokey or looney bin.

So if you happen to be a day person, please know that we do not crave your blood. We do not want to make you one of us, you either are or you are not. All we we covet is your money and your impaired judgment. If you should find yourself in our lair, do not be alarmed. You aren't there to be sacrificed, rather some naked wrestling in the Bedroom Olympics. (try doing that in a coffin)

So when you see us at 3 pm with our bloodshot eyes and pale skin, please know that we are simply starting our day and may be a little testy. Be kind by being quiet, after all, it has been 9 hours without libation and our heads are killing us.

When It's Time To Leave, Go!

There are few things in life worse than witnessing an over stayed welcome. When the presence of someone or something has obviously exceeded its comfort level or usefulness, someone must speak up and take action so that the delicate balance of nature can progress uninterrupted and without blemish. I select all members of the human race and call upon them to unite with me in a crusade to eliminate uselessness. I will, of course, begin this endeavor here and now while encouraging your feedback and your promise to keep the faith.

There are plenty of historical examples of once great inventions completely exercising their course of usefulness and gracefully bowing out allowing for progress and cultural advancement. These are some examples:

Chainmail- during feudalism this was quite the invention. Covering ones self from head to toe with metal, restricted the frequency of bodily puncture due to the lance of a foe. Today, chainmail would make commercial air travel nearly impossible and would drive fasion designers and make over show producers crazy.

Long Bow/Catapult- attacking the enemy became possible from several hundred yards away. A platoon could hide behind a hill and launch an attack exercising a stealth facade while the opposing army scrambled in fear and bewilderment. Now the tables are flipped if the opposing army has tomahawk missiles loaded on a stealth sub in the Mediterranean Sea and is preparing to launch at the platoon by pinpointing their position using GPS data and satellite imaging. Plus, try to attack a nuclear class submarine with a bow and arrow without laughing.

Stage Coach- once upon a time the stage coach was the way to get around. It ran on a schedule, on time I might add, and took people to and from the railroad. Close your eyes and picture a stage coach at the taxi stand at your nearest airport. I bet very few stage coach operators speak Arabic, Hindi, or any of the seven hundred and fifty-nine thousand African dialects. But really all you need to know to drive a taxi (or stage coach) is "snow emergency, double fare!"

Doctors who make house calls- In the days of yester year, if you or a family member took ill, the doctor would visit the patient in his or her very own bed. Its true! If there was not enough money to pay the doctor he would accept something in barter (eggs, a hog, a Mercedes S class sedan, it totally depended on how sick the patient was). Then, with the invention of insurance companies and their mother f#*%&ng HMO's and PPO's, doctors are no longer willing to leave the country club for a pittance of hand me down farm byproducts.

Do you remember; going to the arcade, using pay phones with the local phone book attached to it by a cord, or watching a movie on Betamax? How about, playing Pong or Asteroids on your Atari 2600? Or perhaps you remember, Pet Rocks, the Rubicks Cube, Dean Smiths' Four Corner Offense, or creating surround sound by plugging 6 speakers into the 2 speaker jacks into the back of your RCA home stereo system. All of these things heve been replaced with newer and better products. We traded Arnold Horshak for Skreech, Sidney Poiteir for Denzel Washington, George Bush for George Bush, and the cold war for the desert war.

There are, saddly, some has-beens that will not go away.

I hate it when I am sitting in a Chinese Restaurant and my server, hostess, tea steward or what ever the frick they're called asks me if I want chopsticks. I do not! Do you not have forks? If I want to eat, are my choices restricted to chop sticks or my hands. Just because it took your people thousands of years to learn that stabbing and scooping are the "common sense" approaches to dining, don't go dragging me back into some retrospective Crouching Eating Hidden Flatware bullshit. And cook my English terrier all the way.

Antiques are useless. The actual definition of antique is, something that belongs in a museum not in you home. I hate people who say things like "Don't sit there, its an antique." Hey if it looks like a chair, feels like a chair, and is in any way has proximity to a table or lamp, it's a chair. If you don't want me to sit in it, put it in the closet. "You might break it". Again, put it in the closet. "But, someone famous once sat in that chair" Great! But there are plenty of seats which hold famous people every day, take the airport restroom for an example. You don't see me dragging a commode into my living room just because Oprah used it once.

Please stop making me hear the terms; hand made and made by hand. Nothing is hand made anymore. We have been developing tools and machinery since the Cro-Magnon period just so that we don't have to make anything by hand. Furthermore, things made by hand are in no way better than machine made things, they just take a lot longer to make. The only time I can tolerate the phrase, made by hand, is if the item was made by someone actually named Hand. Like Hand made Gloves, For you hands by the Hands. That's it!

Do not sell me a program so that I can keep score at the ballgame. Yes, it was once part of the lore to sit with you Dad or Uncle and fill in each and every box for every inning and discuss what the manager should do or what pitch should be thrown. The thinking man's game, it was called. Baseball is a little different now. Programs are not 50 cents anymore, (I just spent about 30 sec. Looking for the symbol for cents on my keyboard, that should tell you something) they no longer sell Cracker Jack, and parking is more expensive now than my first car. So stop selling me the program. If you think I am going to pay $12.95 for a program and a pencil when....., hey did you happen to notice the big video scoreboard with stats, scores, and howbout' this one; instant replay. Not to mention the fact that only really rich people can afford to go to games so everyone has a PDA and is hooked up to the web. You can instantly access box scores from all over the country from any game any time. The score book and program are useless.

And while your at it get rid of the pencil. I already took the S.A.T.

Gold's Gym Marketing Stategy

I felt compelled to share a letter that I received in response to downloading a free one week guest pass at Gold's Gym. On Tuesday March 1, 2005 I started researching fitness centers in the Washington, DC area and following is the actual response from a Fitness Consultant at the Van Ness Gold's Gym.

Hey Future Member,

My name is Dalontee, and I have been assigned as your Gold's Gym Rep. As your main source of contact feel free to ask me any question or comments. I am always available to show your around and or set you for trainning. I here for you and I plan to make you visit and workout the best.


Dalontee Edgerton, Fitness Consultant
Gold's Gym Vanness

I am certainaly inclined to ask him a comment while he shows me I'm around only if he makes me visit and workout best, just like he promised.

I count 6 total errors in a 1 paragraph letter containing 3 sentences. Is this the future of marketing? I can assure you that no matter how beneficial the facility might be to my health, I will never set foot in there. I might, however, see Dalontee on the street somewhere, attempting to get to work by wondering around looking for Vanness (it's actually Van Ness).

I encourage you all to stop by and ask for Dalontee, and please, give him a copy of The Little Brown Handbook when you see him. He needs all the help he can get.

Big Bang Ringtone

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. After many years of working with the deaf and then opening a teaching school for instructors of the hearing impaired, Bell and his trusty side kick Thomas Watson had the first ever (and now very famous) conversation transmitted across telephone wires. "Can you hear me now?" walk two paces, "Can you hear me now?" two more paces. "How about now? Good!" It was March 10, 1876.

Now the evolution of the phone is very interesting and complicated. For some of you younger readers the information that you are about to consume might be disturbing so please use caution when reading. Some truths about the phone evolving are these;

1900's -- When you needed to call someone you used the community phone. Everyone in your town had the same number and it wasn't a party line.

1920's-30's -- Copper wire was going up everywhere and jobs were plentiful unless you lived in the U.S. where the market crashed and the only people with money were the Kennedy's and the Rockefeller's. When these two families placed a call (they could only speak to each other of course) a voice would say "number please!" and they would say something like Rockefeller 90210 and the call would be placed.

1940's -- The phone is starting to become part of the every day routine. Gossip has become the primary use for phone calls as women talk during the day, mostly about the length of skirts that the younger women are wearing these days and how many Japanese-Americans are disappearing.

1950's -- Sarah from the Andy Griffith show becomes the first famous telephone operator. She later would publish a tell-all book about the happenings in Mayberry. Apparently, Aunt Bea and Gomer got drunk together one night and threw cherry pies at Floyd the barbers house. What a riot! Its available from Simon and Schuster $14.95. $5.95 on E-Bay.

1960's -- The first touch tone phones circulate. Before now there were only rotary phones, you know the ones with the round dial that had to be turned for each number. There was a clicking sound which attracted an assortment of animals all clamoring in the direction of the phone being dialed (many believe it was just this type of event which inspired Alfred Hitchcock to write the screenplay for The Birds). The touch tone phone, named aptly because when you touched each button it produced a distinguishable tone, was fast and easy and fun. Many quickly learned how to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while sitting in their parlor. Does anyone know a person who has a parlor in their home anymore? The only one who did not like the touch tone was the proud owner of the phone number 627-9423.

1970's -- Radio stations made the 'phone- in contest' part of pop culture. This is how it worked, the deejay (not V-J, you actually had to imagine what the announcer looked like, oh and for those of you who are perplexed, imagine is defined as; to form a mental image of something not present. It is not just a John Lennon song.) would say "the 20th caller wins a prize" (a Led Zepplin tee-shirt or maybe tickets to an acid party) and you would call. It was not unlikely that you would get a busy signal, when the line was being used or busy if you will, after dialing all 7 numbers (there were only 7 numbers back then) you would hear a tone that went buh-buh-buh-buh and be forced to hang up and try again. Now, not only was there no such thing as redial, but you may have wandered away from the phone, (which was probably affixed to the wall in your kitchen) because it was cool to have a cord (the handset and ear piece were actually attached to the phone itself) that was 100 ft. in length. The only way mothers could find their daughters in the 70's was to yank on the phone cord as if they were pulling a 120lb. Marlin out of the sea.

Crank calling became popular in the 70's. Calling a tobacco shop, "Do have Prince Edward in a Can?" "Yes we do." "Well you better let him out! Ha! Ha! Ha!" or my all time favorite, "Is your refrigerator running?" Why yes it is!" "Well you better go catch it!" More big laughs.

1980's -- This decade saw great strides in the evolution of communication. Cordless phones entered the home thus finding a whole new species of static. People would say and I quote, "No really Bob, I'm standing in my frickin driveway man, no not in my house, the phone is in there but I'm out here, Bob? Bob? Are you still there?"

Of course soon to follow was the phone with the "handset locator". Inevitably the phone handset would find its way to the infamous black hole of the home which sucks in items like, the remote control, the car keys, reading glasses and Cheetos.

Every girl named Jenny had the number 867-5309.

Then it happened, everyone had a beeper or pager if you will. This was a device that was originally made for doctors and other emergency personnel so that their girlfriends could stop calling the house and hanging up when their wife answered. It became mainstream so quickly that the U.S. mint had to print twice as many quarters because everyone was running to the nearest pay phone every 5 min. to return pages.

Zack Morris and his cell phone was next. The television show Saved by the Bell introduced us to a high school boy who had a mobile phone the size of a canoe. In fact during one episode Zack re-enacted the settling of Jamestown for his class and had Skreech dress up like Pocahontas and sit in his phone. They got into a mess of trouble when while pretending to row Skreech accidentally called the Kremlin. Russia was then the enemy, now they would probably ask for a low interest loan.

1990's -- Technology Booms! Al Gore's internet invention allows people to communicate without using the phone, which has become an inconvenience due to telemarketers, collection agencies and people who have timeshare specials. The phone industry panics and the U.S. mint recalls 9 billion dollars in quarters as public pay telephones disappear like Iraqi Republican National Guardsmen. Call waiting, caller ID, and self contained voicemail, are created so the owner of a phone never actually has to talk to anyone.

2000's -- The new millennium. People have gotten so sophisticated that this is an example of the common phone conversation today.

"Hello"

"Oh? You answered. I was going to leave you a message."

"Well since you have me, what is it?"

"I just wanted to tell that I would be late because I got caught up downloading some new ring tones for my phone."

"Oh yeah, what did you get?"

"I'll let you hear when I see you."

"Can you play them for me now?"

"My phone doesn't do that, I mean I can't talk and scroll through my tones at the same time, I mean if I can I don't know how to. Maybe you can show me when I see you."

"Okay."

"I'm almost there, so I'll see you in 10 min."

"Yeah fine, text me when you get close and I will come outside."

"Okay see ya!"

It has become so ridiculous that we are now surfing the web, playing games, typing messages and selecting ringers for our phones 24-7. I know someone who has a different ringtone for every person in their contact list. (we don't have phone books or address books anymore) 125 different songs. It is so bad that he doesn't even know who has what ring. The phone rings Y.M.C.A. Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. and he still has to look at the caller ID to see who is calling him.

It used to be fun, back in the day, when the phone would ring and every adolescent would go sprinting into the kitchen to grab the phone. Certainly someone would be nearly decapitated as the cord became taught when the receiver entered a joining room. All this effort only to pass the phone to Mom so that Aunt Doris can give her a new recipe from the most recent issue of Better Homes and Gardens.

I truly believe that if Alexander Graham Bell new what he was starting, he would have cut off his ears and moved to the south of France.

Legacy

From the beginning of measured time the human race has shown examples of fathers leaving to their sons a legacy for their succession. A man, striving to serve his family well, will often times step up and establish the family name so it is recognized in conjunction with an act, or deed, or event that will be beholden to the hearts of all who's ears the family name should fall upon. It is then the duty of the eldest son to carry on the name and reputation for which it is known with honor and dignity.

For any or all who do not know of which I speak, here are a few examples;

God and Jesus. God sent his one begotten son to die for all of mans sins. Had there not been an apple and a serpent then Adam might have sufficed and there would not have been a need for the great flood or Easter, or lent for that matter (I could sure go for a Stoli O right about now). As it turned out we (humans) can sin as much as we want and Jesus (thanks in part to Mel Gibson) is a movie star as well as the subject for best selling authors with a single name like; Luke, John, Paul, George, Ringo and Cher.

Prince Charles and William and Harry. Prince Charles has been in the limelight for such a long time that it feels like he has just always been with us. His own legacy appears to be the throne of England and upon delivery of the kingdom Charles has vowed to finally take Scotland so England can host the Open Championship every year without sharing its tradition with "those sheep bladder playin' skirts".

Aside from possibly developing the ears and knobby knees, these sons' legacies may greatly differ from each other. William has vowed to "get as much tail as I can bloody well get." while growing in to adulthood, and Harry, well, he's a Nazi lover. So long live the King, PLEASE?

The Husseins. Oh sorry! My Bad! His sons are all dead and he might as well be. Bad example.

The Kennedys. Can you believe that after all the Kennedy influence in the U.S. and around the world, from bootlegging in the 20's and 30's to buying a Presidency, through two assasinations and two car crashes, three debilitating illnesses and the crown prince of New York dying in a plane crash, all they are left with is Arnold. The Republican Gubernator from Austria is here to "pump us up " (Ted Kennedy, the 80 proof bloat that he his, need no pumping maybe a little trimming. Keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times or until you hit the water at which time you may swim for your own life disregarding whatever skank may be drowning in your passenger seat and please, try to replace the guard rail.) Good luck Arnie, I hope this works out better than Kindergarten Cop.

The Bush Family. Ah! G-Bu has the greatest legacy success story of all. He left a life of luxury and posh to preserve the family name and the influence that it will have on history. George II (I just realized that this is really one of two things; a bad sequel to a bad movie or, I should still be talking about England's royal family. Did we not once have a problem with a King named George?) was sitting in his luxury box eating peanuts and cracker jack and certainly not caring if he ever got back (he was soooooo stoned) while watching Nolan Ryan and his Texas Rangers limp through the 162 game baseball season each year.

In 1994 he began his quest for the oval office by dethroning a screaming liberal female govenor who did not among other things, relate to the ever growing Hispanic community. In 2000 "Jorge the Inquisitor" slipped past "Big Gay Al" (with a little help from his brother Jeb and the other Clampetts) to ascend to the most powerful position in the free world, Celebrity Jeopardy Champion. Bring on Ken!

His legacy is however not the West Wing (that belongs to Martin Sheen and Emilo Estevez has already called next) but Saddam. The only two American world leaders who have ever gone to war in Iraq were George I and GeorgeII (back with a vengeance) and this was only after watching Lawrence of Arabia to inspire them. In George II (back with a vengeance) they actually capture Saddam and prepare him for trial while spreading democracy throughout the Middle East (look for Keno to hit Baghdad liquor stores by early fall).

Be patient, because Disney is planning a 2008 release of George III (Jeb, Jenna and Little Barb in 3-D). We are told that Saddam escapes prison and builds a laser on the moon which will destroy earth. Thankfully Jeb, Jenna and Little Barb encounter some gamma rays while consuming Bahamaritas and Ultimate Pina'coladas at the Pearl Champagne Lounge in South Beach and develop super powers. Super Bushes to the rescue! Advance tickets are recommended.

My family is no different. Alright, my dad is no world leader or actor, no sports personality nor evil dictator (that was my mom) but there is a legacy in the Guy family to be left for me.

Eyebrows.

My dad has eyebrows that you could lose a 1984 Ford Escort in. Think Jack Elam (you may remember him as Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing from Cannonball Run, Duh-Duh-Dunnn). I made some inquires to see if there was anything to be done for him since his eyebrows are merging with what was a receding hairline, and the only person who thought that they could help was John Deere. But even he was skeptical about the outcome.

Now I come from a family where if you have a weakness or minor malady it is fair game for the other family members to verbally attack you until you cry. Then we take a break until the tears stop. So for years I have been teasing my old man about his eyebrows. "Hey Dad take your visor off." Ha! Ha! Ha! Then one day about two years ago I saw it in the mirror. One eyebrow longer than the rest and aimed in the opposite direction. I froze. This can not be.

Plucking, trimming and primping are all part of my daily routine now. I used to be tough guy and now every day is like Ambush Makeover in my own home. Had I known that it would be like this I would have had laser surgery long ago. I am considering removing my eyebrows permanently and having the perfect eyebrows tattooed on my face.

As with most things, it could be a lot worse. I can groom my eyebrows with little effort (lots of recent practice) and it gives me time to reflect on myself. Oh, and if you are starting to feel sorry for me, don't. My brother got dads nose.

History Lesson

"Those who fail to learn from history are destined to repeat it." It's very true. As many of you know, on Thursdays at Helix Lounge we do a performance of It's Raining Men at 10:30. About a month ago, some pyrotechnics were added to the show and each and every time we use a specific lighter, the holder of the flame catches fire. Now, its a good show and arm hair being not so important, we have conceded to the effect and disregarded health for the good of the show. After all, who would not enjoy watching Patrick wave his arm around in a panicked flail while it quickly burned like the poly-skin on T3000 Terminator model after Linda Hamilton and Michael Biehn crashed a fuel truck with the cyborg in it. My point is simply, we do the same trick every week and every week someone catches fire.

Speaking of stupidity, North Korea has Nuclear Weapons. If you did not hear from one of the umpteen billion news media that "broke" the news, than let me be the first to inform you. North Korea claims to be a player.

President Bush has refuted the claim saying that it can't be true because, "there is just no such thing as nuclear weapons, they may have nuklar weapons and if so we should look into that."

Vice President Cheney had no comment because he was too busy excitedly planning our exit strategy from the war in North Korea.

Iranian and Syrian officials were duly pissed. One Iranian was quoted, "I was led to believe that we were next. It's not fair because the U.S. already had a war with them back in the 50's and we have been waiting for so long. We didn't realize that the nuclear program was still the kicker, I guess terrorism has run its course. We are going to rethink our entire 'get the U.S. to go to war with us to save our country from economic ruin' strategy."

Not to worry my little Middle Eastern friends, we are not finished with you yet. You still have stuff that we need. Now if a country develops, which has unlimited resources of, oh let's say, social security or health care reforms, we may abandon your oil fields (I mean... Need for democracy and freedom) to attack and rebuild that nation.

But lest we drift from our purpose, North Korea. The North Koreans are only trying to attract attention to themselves. They pose no real threat. It's 2005. Announcing that you have nuclear weapons is so 80's. India and Pakistan entered the nuclear world with little pomp and circumstance because the did not develop expansive delivery systems and could only blow each other up. No one cared. Today.. I think Microsoft would have to get involved. Just imagine if Bill Gates had to pay an American to answer a customer service call because New Delhi is gone. Software prices would go through the roof.

So, who could North Korea attack?

1. South Korea. Too close--- the fall out would destroy N. Korea.
2. China. Not advisable.
3. Japan. The U.S. is their army. Think about it.

Also, a small reminder to any Korean who is in favor of delivering a small nuke manually into the U.S. or any protected state; Japan surrendered in 48 hours after the U.S. flexed her muscles. Colonel Quadafi has been sucking up ever since his family experienced some U.S. F-15 anguish. The "conflicts" that the U.S. armed forces have participated in since they last visited your fine nation have been the equivalent of a kitten playing with a ball of string.

The U.S. has been very savvy about minimizing civilian casualties and protecting non military personnel. If you think that you are now a player in the nuclear era please remember one thing, you are holding a feather in a sword fight. The last time an American official held a feather he was the signing of the Declaration of Independence. True, the pen is mightier than the sword but, do you really want to chance the amount of ink it would take? One word, fission.

President Bush is a strong supporter of fission. He was quoted, "Of course I support fission, I got my very own trout stream back at the ranch in Crawford."

What Mom Didn't Teach Me

I have the greatest parents in the world. No, really, you can borrow them some time.

You should have a little background to completely understand my story. Mom and Dad are from Indiana. They lived like the people we laughed at in Smallville and Back to the Future. They moved east to secure a living for themselves and an education for my brother. I never liked authority. There are, however, three things that I took out of my childhood which will stay with me for life; wet leaves are the worst, no babies, and all we want is happy well adjusted adults.

I will asses the success of these three directives.

I am terrified of autumn. When the leaves start to fall I am horrified. If it should happen to rain shortly thereafter, I can be seen crawling along the ground fearful of what might happen if I should encounter a wet leaf and tumble to my death.

Babies seem to be less of a fear because dating is difficult in my business and hookers insist on contraception. (Now my mom wants to know when she is going to have grandchildren. My brother is married so I differ the question to the guy who went and got an education and fully benefited from the move east.)

Happy well adjusted adults is the "prime directive" and so we shall use this as our true test.

In keeping with the plan, at the ripe old age of nine, I was led to the laundry room for my instruction on proper laundry execution. I learned how to wash, dry, fabric soften, bleach and fold (although folding was perfected after hours of research by watching the pretty girl who worked at The Gap). I am not a stalker.........................................Anymore!

Armed with all of my laundry knowledge after graduating from the Guy School of Enslavery, I ventured off to do my laundry in the outside world. There are a few "real world" issues that were not properly covered.

Laundry is not free! When you leave home for the first time you should get a roll of quarters.

No one abides by Only Use Two Machines At A Time. I am a rules guy and this rebellious activity infuriates me. I will wait. When the offender returns at the end of Springer to remove their shit, nine and one half minutes after the machine has completed its cycle, I simply say, "Hey Trotsky, do you not know how to fuckin read? You are real God Damn lucky that I do not kick the ever lovin crap out of you and put you on the next episode of General Hospital."

I work nights.

People leave their clothes unattended. I can not tell you the number of times I have had clothes to be dried and every dryer is full of other peoples already dried clothing, yet they are no where to be found. I once had an ally who suggested that I remove the laundry and commandeer the machine. I found that it was much more satisfying to add money to the offenders machine and place a magic marker in their load. My clothes will dry eventually.

The proper operation of the dish washer was another lesson to be carried into adulthood. I can load and unload with best of em'. Do you know how many meals you have to eat to fill a dishwasher when you live alone? I have 75 frickin' plates just so I don't have to pull dishes out of the dishwasher and wash them by hand to have another meal on a clean plate. I would by paper plates, but then I would have to take the trash out more. Scraping plates before they go into the dish washer is stupid. Why clean a plate before you clean the plate? If something sticks on the plate when it goes through the dish washer, is it not just as clean as the plate? Its only logical.

I learned how to cook in my parents home. Once or twice a week my brother and I were forced to cook for the family. We made spaghetti or chicken or something all engineered to develop our culinary skills for adulthood. Newsflash to all parents! When your children leave home to go to college, or to go into the real world, or to go to prison (actually in prison they cook for you) THEY HAVE NO MONEY! Ramen Noodles take one cup of water and one minute in the microwave! Beer can be purchased by the pitcher! We don't need milk for anything (cereal is just as good with beer). This is the stuff that you should teach them. Cooking will come.

My parents always had a way about them that seemed to be extremely weird at the time, but as I grow older it makes more sense. I always attributed it to "Midwestern Values" but the recipe is universal. Be good to people, care about them and they will care about you.

Am I well adjusted? Of course I am.

Isn't every man when he loosens his shorts?

High Tech

I have a cell phone that takes pictures. I have the ability to talk on-line with anyone in the world at any time of the day. I can push a button on my remote control and digitally watch a movie which will pause, fast foreword, rewind, and stop. These types of things have become the norm. Standard Operating Proceedure if you will.

There are many contraptions, inventions and discoveries in this world that are too amazing to believe. I do not understand how a micro technology created guitar can be played when it can not even be seen with the naked eye. Imagine Mick Jaggar performing from the tip of your pinky.

There is a company out in San Francisco, California called Genetic Savings and Clone. Get it? They will, for a nominal fee of $50,000, clone your cat for you. No lie, a lady in Texas bought a clone of her cat Nicky, who saddly had died at the ripe old age of 17. Now here is the really scary part, she named it Little Nicky. If I am going to spend $50,000 on a cat, you can be assured that I am not going to give it an inferiority complex right off the bat. Who could ever live up to the lagacy of the first Nicky? Anyway cats are free at the pound.

We sent a probe to Mars and found evidence of water. How about that "Columbo" move? We found water. Thank God! We traveled all the way to Mars because water is the only "most abundant thing on Earth". Just be glad we didn't find oil up there. You could bet your family farm we would be liberating Martians from what ever form of government that was oppressing them. Democracy for every Martian! This only makes sense because, as you know, Mars has been trying to attack our way of life since the invention of talky movies.

There is even a probe on Titan, one of the moons of Saturn. It has discovered that this moon is in it's infancy and resembles early Earth. True! How the f#$#* do they know? Is Saturn going up to the sun and saying "isn't she darling looks just her uncle Earth did?" This brings up another whole set of problems. When Titan or, oh lets call it "Little Earth" grows up and has people and stuff, will they have Saturday and Sunday swapped on their calendars because they actually rotate around the planet and not the Sun? How does the Sun feel about that? If there is one celestial formation that I do not think we should piss off, its the SUN!

We would be remiss, however, if we didn't discuss the three greatest inventions of all time:

A drum roll please.

In descending order the nominees for greatest invention of all time are:

3. Ati-viral tissue by Kleenex. Kleenex makes a tissue that when you blow your nose into a piece of synthetic cloth, you actually get anti-viral medicine. How does it get into your body if you are blowing into it. This is how it is amazing. We are one step away from curing cancer by spitting on people. I can hardly wait.

2. Riccola has invented a throat lozenge that builds your immune system. If only in 1981 we had this we could have eliminated HIV. Picture this scenerio, "Hey Doc, I'm all run down and I have the blemishes developing all over my body."

"Not to worry son its only AIDS, have a cough drop."

and the winner is

1. Glad makes a stretch trash bag that does not break. If you in anyway resemble me than you can watch that commercial for hours and feel the nervous anticipation and fear every time when that woman tries to put that bottle through the side of the bag. She just can't do it. I want to see some one take an icepick or hammerjack to it in the 80's way. This was when we shot a 45 caliber pistol at a Master lock to show its virility, or the image of the construction worker holding on to his helmet as it was "Crazy Glued" to a girder.

I must leave you now as prepare to travel to my vacation spot on Titan. I want to see how the evolution progress is coming. I might even warn them about the Black Plague. I will send you pictures from my phone so that you may enjoy my trip as much as I. And, please do not worry about my health, I have a full compliment of Riccola and Kleenex.

Water World

Later this week the White House is expected to release the report from Transportation Secretary Norman Y. Mineta's trip to Detroit for the Auto Show. White House officials tell us that the report will include startling information pertaining to the future use of hydrogen fuel cells in automobiles. The cells will take water and separate the hydrogen from the oxygen, burn the hydrogen as fuel and emit the oxygen in the form of steam.

"Clean fuel like this one will revolutionize the way we operate our daily lives," commented an unnamed White House spokesperson.

In a related story, upon hearing of the Auto Show report, Michael Eisner, President and CEO of Walt Disney Inc., claimed all of the water and water "touching other water" which reaches the shore of Atlantis, Disney's resort in the Bahamas, to be the sole property of Walt Disney Inc.

Expecting some resistance to his claims, Eisner has massed an army of cartoon characters and employees to defend Atlantis from possible attacks from people seeking to take Atlantis' water by force.

Since the raising of this army and declaring himself "Eminent Ruler of Atlantis", Eisner has stopped focusing on the simple needs of his people. Restaurants, shops and casinos are virtually empty. The people have become impoverished and are starving.

French and German officials have collaborated with the Russian government to initiate a water for food program, where Eisner and his militia can maintain control of the water but exchange it for food and medicine.

A senior White House official commented, "this water for food program is simply enabling a cancer to spread."

When asked about the developments President Bush said, "...Water for food is one thing but I truly believe we should be much more worried with Atlantis' weapons program. It may take some time to find their weapons, after all they hid the city for thousands of years. And with the proximity of them being so close and all this is a big concern. We are not alone in our fight to free the Atlantis people from the tyrannical regime of Eisner, Great Britain and Iraq are sending weapons inspectors to validate our very credible information.

When asked if this was just a ploy to gain control of the water President Bush responded, "Why would we need to take their water? We have many water resources at our disposal, the Great Lakes, the Mississippi River, all those lakes in Minnesota, and running water in almost every home. I assure you that this is nothing more than the U.S. doing its part to make the world a safer place."

Adoption Ban

Florida law will continue its ban on Gay-Adoption. On Monday the U.S. Supreme court decided not to hear the case thus upholding the previous rulings in Florida. People around the region are becoming alarmed.

One Georgia man commented, "I hope they don't think my state is gonna take all them gay babies."

A woman from Alabama had similar sentiments, "It jes aint' right all them gays runnin around with no parental supervision."

A very different prospective was seen in parts of Florida. Enrique Gonzalez of Miami was on the gay baby donor list. "I was hoping for a boy gay baby, so neat and clean and thin, it would have been almost like not parenting at all. When he got older he could've helped me with my wardrobe. A girl gay baby would've been fine too. The wife and I like softball."

No steadfast plan is in place for the influx of freed gay babies. Florida officials believe that private funding from San Francisco and Providence based philanthropic groups will establish freed gay baby havens across the state. For more info you can contact The Freed Gay Baby Hotline at 1-800-GAY-BABY. Donations are appreciated.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I know that this is a little late, but if you are anything like me (in the bar business) it is only now becoming a reality that it is in fact a new year. 2005 to be exact and time to send New Years’ toasts to all who have brought me joy or are just plain deserving of a special mention as we hurdle through space and time. If you are a recipient of this toast, please note that it has a dual purpose, you may reflect upon it and you have been served. By served I mean, you do not have to say, nor will I, Happy New Year. It is taken care of.

Happy New Year to Douglas Wilder! Any man who can achieve titles prestigious as: Governor of Virginia, and Leader of the Democratic Party, or my personal favorite, First African American to have a legitimate shot at the White House, deserves a toast. Especially when he just was elected Mayor of Richmond. Does he believe that secession is still a possibility? Is he the guy that they want in the capital of the Confederacy? Did anyone think to ask a relative of Jefferson Davis? Doug, good luck and have great year.

Happy New Year and welcome back, your majesty and super sized highness, Marion Barry. It has been far too long my brotha. You seem a little bit older, prolly wiser right? No, I did not say, who wants a Budweiser. Clean out your one good ear and make some headlines.

Happy New Year to John Kerry and John Edwards, never before have two Johns spent so much time together without a hooker. Speaking of; Happy New Year to Jenna and Barbara Bush, see you at the Child Herald and don’t forget, it’s your turn to buy shots.

Happy New Year to my main man Peter Angelos! Enjoy sitting in an empty stadium and choking on a $35 crab cake while your piss poor team struggles you stupid son of a bitch. If you need me, I will be at RFK watching Barry Bonds 12 times next year. And a Happy New Year to you Mr. BALCO! May the year bring you the common sense to realize that if you are in fact adding twenty pounds of muscle each year into you forties, IT’S NOT NATURAL!!!!

A very special Happy New Year to Bill Buckner who can finally get onto a horse without someone yelling “Nutmeg!” Lets not forget our friend Ron Artest, I hope your rap music is better than your judgment and you left hook. Anyway, Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to Martha Stewart! One of only a select few who actually made money in prison! Should it surprise you that the others are Capone and Gatti? How about a Happy New Year to the Catholic Church whose hands have not only been in our pockets (as we have suspected for years) but in our pants. Let’s focus on something more traditional for the church, like isn’t the war effort in Iraq similar to a crusade?

Happy New Year to Iraq! Whose celebration got off with a bang. 90 people died in car bombings in the first 3 days of 2005. Wait till the election! You guys deserve a good year.

Happy New Year to Gweneth Paltrow! Gweneth brought into this world a smiling baby girl and named her Apple. That’s right Apple! Perhaps this year Ms. Paltrow will have twins and they can all move into a FRUIT BASKET.

Happy New Year and new life to Dave Barry! You will be missed. Dave holds the World Record for Sunday visits to the restrooms of other people, 35 million weekly. Good Luck with your new projects.

Happy New Year to JibJab! They are the ones that brought you the satires “This Land” and “Good to be in DC”. I am rooting for “It’s a small world” starring Bin Laden, Putin, Bush and Kim Jung Il.

My Super Duper Happy New Year goes out to MTV! 13 years ago some coked out executive at the video radio station thought that music was not going to be enough to sustain the new millennium. So he crams a bunch of kids into a Soho apartment and films as they fight and have sex and fight and get drunk and have sex and fight. The Real World was the fetus of reality television and I am fully aware that this is not a new story I am telling. Its relevance is that we have now reached, in the maturation stages of reality television, Alzheimer’s.

There is a new show called “Who’s your Daddy?” For real! What about the spin off from “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy”, “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl” They even did it wrong. In this show 3 gay guys and a classy looking lesbian are making over normal girls. That’s crap. This show should be 5 butch dykes grabbing a Manhattan debutant into a bowling alley and beating her with a bowling pin until she can chug a pitcher of beer and sing every Melissa Ethridge song from memory. I would watch that.

How about one of my ideas, like, Blind House, this is house filled with blind people and every day the producers rearrange the furniture. Big laughs. The winner gets to go on a blind makeover show called 4 Eyes for the Blind Guy, where 4 people try on all different types glasses to make the blind guy look like someone who can see.

Or tune in next week on Quadriplegic Camping to see if Tony and Rita win the Whitewater Wheelchair Relay. Come on, you would watch.

But lest we return to reality, no pun intended, and big Granddaddy of them all. Survivor. On May 31, 2000 the world, affixed to their televisions watched as 16 people were marooned on the island of Palau Tiga. They fought, formed alliances, and whittled the cast down by voting each other off the island. When one remained, Richard, he was the winner of a million dollars.

My final and most heart felt Happy New Year goes out to South East Asia! There are hundreds of thousands trying to survive on the very islands where Richard won his million dollars only their prize is simply surviving. I truly feel for all of you.

So everyone get to the gym and start eating better. Stop smoking and drinking. Save more money this year and be nicer to strangers. And I will see on February 8 for Fat Tuesday.

Happy New Year!