And the Oscar Goes To

Fewer than 13 days till the Academy Awards. Hooray!!! Hooray!!!

I might not sleep till then.

I realized that I actually saw two of the films nominated for best picture and slept during them both. So the only real reason to watch this show will be Ellen, and it all starts on the red carpet.

"Ellen, Ellen, Who are you wearing?"

"Well the jeans are from the Gap, my shirt is from Abercrombie and I guess I got the shoes at Foot Locker. Anyway its just an honor to be nominated."

"Ellen, you're not nominated, you're hosting!"

"Well I hope I win then."

So, on the oft chance that you will not be able to get to see all of the pre-Oscar hype, pay close attention to my predictions and commentary of the 79th Academy Awards. (hold for applause)

I will be foregoing a few categories because I do not want to ruin the entire show. So if you are dying to get the 411 on who will win for music, or costume, or directing or either sound category (How do you give an Oscar for sound editing and sound mixing? Is there a difference? Its like a giving a fruit award to best apple gala and best apple red delicious.) you will be disappointed with what follows.

BEST ACTOR (not best acting in a leading role, I'm old school damnit)
the nominees are:

Will Smith for his performance in a movie that is spelled wrong (Happyness). Christ if you can get your film all the way to the big screen you can afford spell check.

Leonardo DiCaprio for being a hot young white guy who people will recognize on the street.

Forest Whitaker for somehow still having a career after the Crying Game.

Peter O'Toole for still being alive.

Ryan Gosling for, who the hell is this guy? Good luck stranger.

And the Oscar goes too. Jazzy Jeff who runs on stage with headphones and all, steals the Oscar and yells, "I finally got mine you freshy prince!!!!"


Hottest Chick in a Movie that Talks

Penelope Cruz wins hands down for her portrayal of an Hispanic woman speaking spanish. Plus she is under 60 and has legitimate cleavage.


BEST IN SHOW
the nominees are:

Babel-producers state their case by explaining that this movies' title is closer to a palindrome than any other nominee.

Little Miss Sunshine- A whole movie dedicated to glorifying a disfunctional family and the pure pleasure of making fun of the fat girl.

Letters from Iwo Jima-I got nothing. How do you make a whole movie about letters? Booooring.

The Queen-big fight over the title of this movie. Producers are still pissed that they were not permitted to release the movie with its original working title; Birdcage II

The Departed-This movie had it all, stars, murder, chicks, and Markey Mark. Okay here's the scenario; Leo Dicap, Jack Nic, Jason Bourne, President Bartlett all show up for this film but its Whalberg who gets all the accolades. In your face New Kids.

And the Oscar goes to;



The Saddam Execution cell phone footage. Best thing I saw all year.


So get your spot on he couch ready, open a bottle of blush, and pop some corn. If you drink the entire bottle in the first hour you might just pass out before the end. But lets be real, who has that kind of luck. Enjoy!