What Mom Didn't Teach Me

I have the greatest parents in the world. No, really, you can borrow them some time.

You should have a little background to completely understand my story. Mom and Dad are from Indiana. They lived like the people we laughed at in Smallville and Back to the Future. They moved east to secure a living for themselves and an education for my brother. I never liked authority. There are, however, three things that I took out of my childhood which will stay with me for life; wet leaves are the worst, no babies, and all we want is happy well adjusted adults.

I will asses the success of these three directives.

I am terrified of autumn. When the leaves start to fall I am horrified. If it should happen to rain shortly thereafter, I can be seen crawling along the ground fearful of what might happen if I should encounter a wet leaf and tumble to my death.

Babies seem to be less of a fear because dating is difficult in my business and hookers insist on contraception. (Now my mom wants to know when she is going to have grandchildren. My brother is married so I differ the question to the guy who went and got an education and fully benefited from the move east.)

Happy well adjusted adults is the "prime directive" and so we shall use this as our true test.

In keeping with the plan, at the ripe old age of nine, I was led to the laundry room for my instruction on proper laundry execution. I learned how to wash, dry, fabric soften, bleach and fold (although folding was perfected after hours of research by watching the pretty girl who worked at The Gap). I am not a stalker.........................................Anymore!

Armed with all of my laundry knowledge after graduating from the Guy School of Enslavery, I ventured off to do my laundry in the outside world. There are a few "real world" issues that were not properly covered.

Laundry is not free! When you leave home for the first time you should get a roll of quarters.

No one abides by Only Use Two Machines At A Time. I am a rules guy and this rebellious activity infuriates me. I will wait. When the offender returns at the end of Springer to remove their shit, nine and one half minutes after the machine has completed its cycle, I simply say, "Hey Trotsky, do you not know how to fuckin read? You are real God Damn lucky that I do not kick the ever lovin crap out of you and put you on the next episode of General Hospital."

I work nights.

People leave their clothes unattended. I can not tell you the number of times I have had clothes to be dried and every dryer is full of other peoples already dried clothing, yet they are no where to be found. I once had an ally who suggested that I remove the laundry and commandeer the machine. I found that it was much more satisfying to add money to the offenders machine and place a magic marker in their load. My clothes will dry eventually.

The proper operation of the dish washer was another lesson to be carried into adulthood. I can load and unload with best of em'. Do you know how many meals you have to eat to fill a dishwasher when you live alone? I have 75 frickin' plates just so I don't have to pull dishes out of the dishwasher and wash them by hand to have another meal on a clean plate. I would by paper plates, but then I would have to take the trash out more. Scraping plates before they go into the dish washer is stupid. Why clean a plate before you clean the plate? If something sticks on the plate when it goes through the dish washer, is it not just as clean as the plate? Its only logical.

I learned how to cook in my parents home. Once or twice a week my brother and I were forced to cook for the family. We made spaghetti or chicken or something all engineered to develop our culinary skills for adulthood. Newsflash to all parents! When your children leave home to go to college, or to go into the real world, or to go to prison (actually in prison they cook for you) THEY HAVE NO MONEY! Ramen Noodles take one cup of water and one minute in the microwave! Beer can be purchased by the pitcher! We don't need milk for anything (cereal is just as good with beer). This is the stuff that you should teach them. Cooking will come.

My parents always had a way about them that seemed to be extremely weird at the time, but as I grow older it makes more sense. I always attributed it to "Midwestern Values" but the recipe is universal. Be good to people, care about them and they will care about you.

Am I well adjusted? Of course I am.

Isn't every man when he loosens his shorts?

High Tech

I have a cell phone that takes pictures. I have the ability to talk on-line with anyone in the world at any time of the day. I can push a button on my remote control and digitally watch a movie which will pause, fast foreword, rewind, and stop. These types of things have become the norm. Standard Operating Proceedure if you will.

There are many contraptions, inventions and discoveries in this world that are too amazing to believe. I do not understand how a micro technology created guitar can be played when it can not even be seen with the naked eye. Imagine Mick Jaggar performing from the tip of your pinky.

There is a company out in San Francisco, California called Genetic Savings and Clone. Get it? They will, for a nominal fee of $50,000, clone your cat for you. No lie, a lady in Texas bought a clone of her cat Nicky, who saddly had died at the ripe old age of 17. Now here is the really scary part, she named it Little Nicky. If I am going to spend $50,000 on a cat, you can be assured that I am not going to give it an inferiority complex right off the bat. Who could ever live up to the lagacy of the first Nicky? Anyway cats are free at the pound.

We sent a probe to Mars and found evidence of water. How about that "Columbo" move? We found water. Thank God! We traveled all the way to Mars because water is the only "most abundant thing on Earth". Just be glad we didn't find oil up there. You could bet your family farm we would be liberating Martians from what ever form of government that was oppressing them. Democracy for every Martian! This only makes sense because, as you know, Mars has been trying to attack our way of life since the invention of talky movies.

There is even a probe on Titan, one of the moons of Saturn. It has discovered that this moon is in it's infancy and resembles early Earth. True! How the f#$#* do they know? Is Saturn going up to the sun and saying "isn't she darling looks just her uncle Earth did?" This brings up another whole set of problems. When Titan or, oh lets call it "Little Earth" grows up and has people and stuff, will they have Saturday and Sunday swapped on their calendars because they actually rotate around the planet and not the Sun? How does the Sun feel about that? If there is one celestial formation that I do not think we should piss off, its the SUN!

We would be remiss, however, if we didn't discuss the three greatest inventions of all time:

A drum roll please.

In descending order the nominees for greatest invention of all time are:

3. Ati-viral tissue by Kleenex. Kleenex makes a tissue that when you blow your nose into a piece of synthetic cloth, you actually get anti-viral medicine. How does it get into your body if you are blowing into it. This is how it is amazing. We are one step away from curing cancer by spitting on people. I can hardly wait.

2. Riccola has invented a throat lozenge that builds your immune system. If only in 1981 we had this we could have eliminated HIV. Picture this scenerio, "Hey Doc, I'm all run down and I have the blemishes developing all over my body."

"Not to worry son its only AIDS, have a cough drop."

and the winner is

1. Glad makes a stretch trash bag that does not break. If you in anyway resemble me than you can watch that commercial for hours and feel the nervous anticipation and fear every time when that woman tries to put that bottle through the side of the bag. She just can't do it. I want to see some one take an icepick or hammerjack to it in the 80's way. This was when we shot a 45 caliber pistol at a Master lock to show its virility, or the image of the construction worker holding on to his helmet as it was "Crazy Glued" to a girder.

I must leave you now as prepare to travel to my vacation spot on Titan. I want to see how the evolution progress is coming. I might even warn them about the Black Plague. I will send you pictures from my phone so that you may enjoy my trip as much as I. And, please do not worry about my health, I have a full compliment of Riccola and Kleenex.

Water World

Later this week the White House is expected to release the report from Transportation Secretary Norman Y. Mineta's trip to Detroit for the Auto Show. White House officials tell us that the report will include startling information pertaining to the future use of hydrogen fuel cells in automobiles. The cells will take water and separate the hydrogen from the oxygen, burn the hydrogen as fuel and emit the oxygen in the form of steam.

"Clean fuel like this one will revolutionize the way we operate our daily lives," commented an unnamed White House spokesperson.

In a related story, upon hearing of the Auto Show report, Michael Eisner, President and CEO of Walt Disney Inc., claimed all of the water and water "touching other water" which reaches the shore of Atlantis, Disney's resort in the Bahamas, to be the sole property of Walt Disney Inc.

Expecting some resistance to his claims, Eisner has massed an army of cartoon characters and employees to defend Atlantis from possible attacks from people seeking to take Atlantis' water by force.

Since the raising of this army and declaring himself "Eminent Ruler of Atlantis", Eisner has stopped focusing on the simple needs of his people. Restaurants, shops and casinos are virtually empty. The people have become impoverished and are starving.

French and German officials have collaborated with the Russian government to initiate a water for food program, where Eisner and his militia can maintain control of the water but exchange it for food and medicine.

A senior White House official commented, "this water for food program is simply enabling a cancer to spread."

When asked about the developments President Bush said, "...Water for food is one thing but I truly believe we should be much more worried with Atlantis' weapons program. It may take some time to find their weapons, after all they hid the city for thousands of years. And with the proximity of them being so close and all this is a big concern. We are not alone in our fight to free the Atlantis people from the tyrannical regime of Eisner, Great Britain and Iraq are sending weapons inspectors to validate our very credible information.

When asked if this was just a ploy to gain control of the water President Bush responded, "Why would we need to take their water? We have many water resources at our disposal, the Great Lakes, the Mississippi River, all those lakes in Minnesota, and running water in almost every home. I assure you that this is nothing more than the U.S. doing its part to make the world a safer place."

Adoption Ban

Florida law will continue its ban on Gay-Adoption. On Monday the U.S. Supreme court decided not to hear the case thus upholding the previous rulings in Florida. People around the region are becoming alarmed.

One Georgia man commented, "I hope they don't think my state is gonna take all them gay babies."

A woman from Alabama had similar sentiments, "It jes aint' right all them gays runnin around with no parental supervision."

A very different prospective was seen in parts of Florida. Enrique Gonzalez of Miami was on the gay baby donor list. "I was hoping for a boy gay baby, so neat and clean and thin, it would have been almost like not parenting at all. When he got older he could've helped me with my wardrobe. A girl gay baby would've been fine too. The wife and I like softball."

No steadfast plan is in place for the influx of freed gay babies. Florida officials believe that private funding from San Francisco and Providence based philanthropic groups will establish freed gay baby havens across the state. For more info you can contact The Freed Gay Baby Hotline at 1-800-GAY-BABY. Donations are appreciated.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

I know that this is a little late, but if you are anything like me (in the bar business) it is only now becoming a reality that it is in fact a new year. 2005 to be exact and time to send New Years’ toasts to all who have brought me joy or are just plain deserving of a special mention as we hurdle through space and time. If you are a recipient of this toast, please note that it has a dual purpose, you may reflect upon it and you have been served. By served I mean, you do not have to say, nor will I, Happy New Year. It is taken care of.

Happy New Year to Douglas Wilder! Any man who can achieve titles prestigious as: Governor of Virginia, and Leader of the Democratic Party, or my personal favorite, First African American to have a legitimate shot at the White House, deserves a toast. Especially when he just was elected Mayor of Richmond. Does he believe that secession is still a possibility? Is he the guy that they want in the capital of the Confederacy? Did anyone think to ask a relative of Jefferson Davis? Doug, good luck and have great year.

Happy New Year and welcome back, your majesty and super sized highness, Marion Barry. It has been far too long my brotha. You seem a little bit older, prolly wiser right? No, I did not say, who wants a Budweiser. Clean out your one good ear and make some headlines.

Happy New Year to John Kerry and John Edwards, never before have two Johns spent so much time together without a hooker. Speaking of; Happy New Year to Jenna and Barbara Bush, see you at the Child Herald and don’t forget, it’s your turn to buy shots.

Happy New Year to my main man Peter Angelos! Enjoy sitting in an empty stadium and choking on a $35 crab cake while your piss poor team struggles you stupid son of a bitch. If you need me, I will be at RFK watching Barry Bonds 12 times next year. And a Happy New Year to you Mr. BALCO! May the year bring you the common sense to realize that if you are in fact adding twenty pounds of muscle each year into you forties, IT’S NOT NATURAL!!!!

A very special Happy New Year to Bill Buckner who can finally get onto a horse without someone yelling “Nutmeg!” Lets not forget our friend Ron Artest, I hope your rap music is better than your judgment and you left hook. Anyway, Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to Martha Stewart! One of only a select few who actually made money in prison! Should it surprise you that the others are Capone and Gatti? How about a Happy New Year to the Catholic Church whose hands have not only been in our pockets (as we have suspected for years) but in our pants. Let’s focus on something more traditional for the church, like isn’t the war effort in Iraq similar to a crusade?

Happy New Year to Iraq! Whose celebration got off with a bang. 90 people died in car bombings in the first 3 days of 2005. Wait till the election! You guys deserve a good year.

Happy New Year to Gweneth Paltrow! Gweneth brought into this world a smiling baby girl and named her Apple. That’s right Apple! Perhaps this year Ms. Paltrow will have twins and they can all move into a FRUIT BASKET.

Happy New Year and new life to Dave Barry! You will be missed. Dave holds the World Record for Sunday visits to the restrooms of other people, 35 million weekly. Good Luck with your new projects.

Happy New Year to JibJab! They are the ones that brought you the satires “This Land” and “Good to be in DC”. I am rooting for “It’s a small world” starring Bin Laden, Putin, Bush and Kim Jung Il.

My Super Duper Happy New Year goes out to MTV! 13 years ago some coked out executive at the video radio station thought that music was not going to be enough to sustain the new millennium. So he crams a bunch of kids into a Soho apartment and films as they fight and have sex and fight and get drunk and have sex and fight. The Real World was the fetus of reality television and I am fully aware that this is not a new story I am telling. Its relevance is that we have now reached, in the maturation stages of reality television, Alzheimer’s.

There is a new show called “Who’s your Daddy?” For real! What about the spin off from “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy”, “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl” They even did it wrong. In this show 3 gay guys and a classy looking lesbian are making over normal girls. That’s crap. This show should be 5 butch dykes grabbing a Manhattan debutant into a bowling alley and beating her with a bowling pin until she can chug a pitcher of beer and sing every Melissa Ethridge song from memory. I would watch that.

How about one of my ideas, like, Blind House, this is house filled with blind people and every day the producers rearrange the furniture. Big laughs. The winner gets to go on a blind makeover show called 4 Eyes for the Blind Guy, where 4 people try on all different types glasses to make the blind guy look like someone who can see.

Or tune in next week on Quadriplegic Camping to see if Tony and Rita win the Whitewater Wheelchair Relay. Come on, you would watch.

But lest we return to reality, no pun intended, and big Granddaddy of them all. Survivor. On May 31, 2000 the world, affixed to their televisions watched as 16 people were marooned on the island of Palau Tiga. They fought, formed alliances, and whittled the cast down by voting each other off the island. When one remained, Richard, he was the winner of a million dollars.

My final and most heart felt Happy New Year goes out to South East Asia! There are hundreds of thousands trying to survive on the very islands where Richard won his million dollars only their prize is simply surviving. I truly feel for all of you.

So everyone get to the gym and start eating better. Stop smoking and drinking. Save more money this year and be nicer to strangers. And I will see on February 8 for Fat Tuesday.

Happy New Year!