Migration, The Off Season
Migration is very essential to our ecosystem and our social fabric in the U.S. We must, therefore, look at all of its unique forms and incidences to better understand the impact that it has on our daily lives as it pertains to each and everyone of us.
Let's first look at the most commonly thought of form of migration, birds fly south for the winter. Birds migrate because the food supply diminishes dramatically in the cold of winter and birds, having the ability to fly, have discovered that the farther south they go, the warmer it gets and their food supply is greater.
This is in direct contrast to the reasons that old people move south. The elderly move, specifically to Florida, for three reasons; the warm weather reduces the pain in their joints, there is no state income tax, and they like to feed birds. There is nothing sadder than an old person sitting on a park bench in the frigid cold with a loaf of bread, who has no birds to feed.
Birds will return to their northern homes in the spring when their food supply is replenished and fresh. Old people die in Florida.
A very hot button issue currently in American politics is immigration. The growth of the Hispanic population has skyrocketed to the point where they have a very strong political voice. We are printing signs, tests and directions in Spanish. Are you kidding me, the only thing we let the Chinese have is a couple of city blocks in a few cities where they could litter the buildings with their silly language that no one understands. At least the Chinese language looks like some form of artwork and the food smells good. For all I know basura and hot sauce are the same thing.
This, however, is not the problem with the Hispanic migration to the U.S. When the migration began, no one complained because here came a work force, that would show up every day, work for less money, and do jobs no one else wanted to do. But now, the Hispanics have saturated our largest cities and are forced to move to middle America (you know where I mean, Red States). Taking the philosophy of hard work for less pay with them (to a more rural environment) Hispanics have displaced a bunch of trailer dwellers who aren't smart enough to do anything else. Where will they go? Canada?
Washington D.C. has a very distinct annual migration season which has just ended.
The Flight of the Touron.
Every year, beginning in April, a sea of people flock to the nations capital to frolic in the glow of our pristine buildings and the awe of our history. We Washingtonians recognize the need for this migration and attempt to embrace it. The financial gain we incur and the pride we have for our city outweigh the disdain and pity we actually feel for these people. So, as it is now November, and all of the tourons have returned to their homes in territories that were purchased from other nations and not actually fought for, lets have some ground rules for next April when they return.
1. DON'T WEAR MATCHING SHIRTS
and certainly don't put your names on them. I assure you that I do not care that you are "The Dumbshits from Latimer, Kansas". I figured that out when I saw all five of you in orange shirts.
2. NEVER SAY "THIS CITY IS SO CONFUSING"
it's a f#$%ing grid. Just like you learned in grade school. Four quadrants? Remember jack ass?
3. NEVER READ A MAP IN PUBLIC
you just look like a retard. I recommend that you study up before you get here, but if that ends up being to much of a challenge for you, ask someone at your hotel where to go.
4. NEVER EVER TALK ON THE METRO
we don't know you, nor will their be any benefit in knowing you. We certainly do not want to hear about the tractor pull and hay ride from last week. So shut up and read (as long as it is not a map) like everyone else.
5. DON'T ASK ANYONE IF THEY ARE A LOCAL
all you need to know is that you are not.
6. DO NOT USE THE ESCALATORS AT ALL
you are not smart enough to figure out the complicated formula of stand right walk left.
These six simple rules are actually for your safety. It is these actions that alert criminals to the fact that you are an easy target. Our crime rate actually doubles during the period of the touron migration so if you are planning to visit use these rules as a guideline for every ones benefit. And when you return home, you will have plenty of fond memories to share with the Hispanic who has taken your job.
Let's first look at the most commonly thought of form of migration, birds fly south for the winter. Birds migrate because the food supply diminishes dramatically in the cold of winter and birds, having the ability to fly, have discovered that the farther south they go, the warmer it gets and their food supply is greater.
This is in direct contrast to the reasons that old people move south. The elderly move, specifically to Florida, for three reasons; the warm weather reduces the pain in their joints, there is no state income tax, and they like to feed birds. There is nothing sadder than an old person sitting on a park bench in the frigid cold with a loaf of bread, who has no birds to feed.
Birds will return to their northern homes in the spring when their food supply is replenished and fresh. Old people die in Florida.
A very hot button issue currently in American politics is immigration. The growth of the Hispanic population has skyrocketed to the point where they have a very strong political voice. We are printing signs, tests and directions in Spanish. Are you kidding me, the only thing we let the Chinese have is a couple of city blocks in a few cities where they could litter the buildings with their silly language that no one understands. At least the Chinese language looks like some form of artwork and the food smells good. For all I know basura and hot sauce are the same thing.
This, however, is not the problem with the Hispanic migration to the U.S. When the migration began, no one complained because here came a work force, that would show up every day, work for less money, and do jobs no one else wanted to do. But now, the Hispanics have saturated our largest cities and are forced to move to middle America (you know where I mean, Red States). Taking the philosophy of hard work for less pay with them (to a more rural environment) Hispanics have displaced a bunch of trailer dwellers who aren't smart enough to do anything else. Where will they go? Canada?
Washington D.C. has a very distinct annual migration season which has just ended.
The Flight of the Touron.
Every year, beginning in April, a sea of people flock to the nations capital to frolic in the glow of our pristine buildings and the awe of our history. We Washingtonians recognize the need for this migration and attempt to embrace it. The financial gain we incur and the pride we have for our city outweigh the disdain and pity we actually feel for these people. So, as it is now November, and all of the tourons have returned to their homes in territories that were purchased from other nations and not actually fought for, lets have some ground rules for next April when they return.
1. DON'T WEAR MATCHING SHIRTS
and certainly don't put your names on them. I assure you that I do not care that you are "The Dumbshits from Latimer, Kansas". I figured that out when I saw all five of you in orange shirts.
2. NEVER SAY "THIS CITY IS SO CONFUSING"
it's a f#$%ing grid. Just like you learned in grade school. Four quadrants? Remember jack ass?
3. NEVER READ A MAP IN PUBLIC
you just look like a retard. I recommend that you study up before you get here, but if that ends up being to much of a challenge for you, ask someone at your hotel where to go.
4. NEVER EVER TALK ON THE METRO
we don't know you, nor will their be any benefit in knowing you. We certainly do not want to hear about the tractor pull and hay ride from last week. So shut up and read (as long as it is not a map) like everyone else.
5. DON'T ASK ANYONE IF THEY ARE A LOCAL
all you need to know is that you are not.
6. DO NOT USE THE ESCALATORS AT ALL
you are not smart enough to figure out the complicated formula of stand right walk left.
These six simple rules are actually for your safety. It is these actions that alert criminals to the fact that you are an easy target. Our crime rate actually doubles during the period of the touron migration so if you are planning to visit use these rules as a guideline for every ones benefit. And when you return home, you will have plenty of fond memories to share with the Hispanic who has taken your job.
posted by isthebartenderhere at 11/04/2007 10:06:00 AM
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