HAPPY NEW YEAR

I know that this is a little late, but if you are anything like me (in the bar business) it is only now becoming a reality that it is in fact a new year. 2005 to be exact and time to send New Years’ toasts to all who have brought me joy or are just plain deserving of a special mention as we hurdle through space and time. If you are a recipient of this toast, please note that it has a dual purpose, you may reflect upon it and you have been served. By served I mean, you do not have to say, nor will I, Happy New Year. It is taken care of.

Happy New Year to Douglas Wilder! Any man who can achieve titles prestigious as: Governor of Virginia, and Leader of the Democratic Party, or my personal favorite, First African American to have a legitimate shot at the White House, deserves a toast. Especially when he just was elected Mayor of Richmond. Does he believe that secession is still a possibility? Is he the guy that they want in the capital of the Confederacy? Did anyone think to ask a relative of Jefferson Davis? Doug, good luck and have great year.

Happy New Year and welcome back, your majesty and super sized highness, Marion Barry. It has been far too long my brotha. You seem a little bit older, prolly wiser right? No, I did not say, who wants a Budweiser. Clean out your one good ear and make some headlines.

Happy New Year to John Kerry and John Edwards, never before have two Johns spent so much time together without a hooker. Speaking of; Happy New Year to Jenna and Barbara Bush, see you at the Child Herald and don’t forget, it’s your turn to buy shots.

Happy New Year to my main man Peter Angelos! Enjoy sitting in an empty stadium and choking on a $35 crab cake while your piss poor team struggles you stupid son of a bitch. If you need me, I will be at RFK watching Barry Bonds 12 times next year. And a Happy New Year to you Mr. BALCO! May the year bring you the common sense to realize that if you are in fact adding twenty pounds of muscle each year into you forties, IT’S NOT NATURAL!!!!

A very special Happy New Year to Bill Buckner who can finally get onto a horse without someone yelling “Nutmeg!” Lets not forget our friend Ron Artest, I hope your rap music is better than your judgment and you left hook. Anyway, Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to Martha Stewart! One of only a select few who actually made money in prison! Should it surprise you that the others are Capone and Gatti? How about a Happy New Year to the Catholic Church whose hands have not only been in our pockets (as we have suspected for years) but in our pants. Let’s focus on something more traditional for the church, like isn’t the war effort in Iraq similar to a crusade?

Happy New Year to Iraq! Whose celebration got off with a bang. 90 people died in car bombings in the first 3 days of 2005. Wait till the election! You guys deserve a good year.

Happy New Year to Gweneth Paltrow! Gweneth brought into this world a smiling baby girl and named her Apple. That’s right Apple! Perhaps this year Ms. Paltrow will have twins and they can all move into a FRUIT BASKET.

Happy New Year and new life to Dave Barry! You will be missed. Dave holds the World Record for Sunday visits to the restrooms of other people, 35 million weekly. Good Luck with your new projects.

Happy New Year to JibJab! They are the ones that brought you the satires “This Land” and “Good to be in DC”. I am rooting for “It’s a small world” starring Bin Laden, Putin, Bush and Kim Jung Il.

My Super Duper Happy New Year goes out to MTV! 13 years ago some coked out executive at the video radio station thought that music was not going to be enough to sustain the new millennium. So he crams a bunch of kids into a Soho apartment and films as they fight and have sex and fight and get drunk and have sex and fight. The Real World was the fetus of reality television and I am fully aware that this is not a new story I am telling. Its relevance is that we have now reached, in the maturation stages of reality television, Alzheimer’s.

There is a new show called “Who’s your Daddy?” For real! What about the spin off from “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy”, “Queer Eye for the Straight Girl” They even did it wrong. In this show 3 gay guys and a classy looking lesbian are making over normal girls. That’s crap. This show should be 5 butch dykes grabbing a Manhattan debutant into a bowling alley and beating her with a bowling pin until she can chug a pitcher of beer and sing every Melissa Ethridge song from memory. I would watch that.

How about one of my ideas, like, Blind House, this is house filled with blind people and every day the producers rearrange the furniture. Big laughs. The winner gets to go on a blind makeover show called 4 Eyes for the Blind Guy, where 4 people try on all different types glasses to make the blind guy look like someone who can see.

Or tune in next week on Quadriplegic Camping to see if Tony and Rita win the Whitewater Wheelchair Relay. Come on, you would watch.

But lest we return to reality, no pun intended, and big Granddaddy of them all. Survivor. On May 31, 2000 the world, affixed to their televisions watched as 16 people were marooned on the island of Palau Tiga. They fought, formed alliances, and whittled the cast down by voting each other off the island. When one remained, Richard, he was the winner of a million dollars.

My final and most heart felt Happy New Year goes out to South East Asia! There are hundreds of thousands trying to survive on the very islands where Richard won his million dollars only their prize is simply surviving. I truly feel for all of you.

So everyone get to the gym and start eating better. Stop smoking and drinking. Save more money this year and be nicer to strangers. And I will see on February 8 for Fat Tuesday.

Happy New Year!