State Wars

State Wars

Not Entirely Hopeless

In the beginning...................................................

A

long, long

time ago, in a

galaxy far, far away.

Actually it wasn't that long

ago, like 28 years or so, and it

was in Texas, so really that is pretty

much this galaxy, so it really wasn't that

far, actually it was pretty recent and reletively

close so forget that first part all together. I'm not sure

where I was going with that, in fact, what was I saying?

Oh yeah, so like this hero dude was born in Texas like less

than 30 years ago and he was destined to do something, but

nobody knows what that was, so here goes. We'll just have to

figure it out as we go..........................................................................

This is the true life story (mostly true, some creative liberties have been taken only in the intrest of making it interesting) of a boy, born in the desert state of Texas, who grew to be a man. What follows is the story of Splencer Skywalker.

(insert music of some kind, horns I guess, maybe some timpany drums, I don't know)

Splencer was born on a cold fall day in Texas. It was like 98 and he came out so sunburnt and this made him grumpy, a trait that would follow him throughout his life. As Splencer grew he learned all the things that little boys in Texas learn; spitting chaw, making that stupid long horn symbol with is index and pinkey fingers, telling hispanics do do his chores, and eating. Splencer loved Texas livin. Unfortunately for our young hero, just before he was to graduate from cow-poke school, (the equvilent to elementary school everywhere else, Governor George W. Bush had a "no poke left behind" program in Texas and then President Bill Clinton misinterpreted what Governor Bush was saying and did something completely different here in Washington) he was whisked off in the dark of the night, not unlike the Baltimore Colts, and inprsioned in California (home of the Brady Bunch, you might remember).

Splencer was a sinewy lad and many said that the force was strong with him, thus creating a battle that would wage for years to come. The power of the dark side was very strong in the prison colony of California, with Dark Lords of names like, Grey Davis, Feinstein, and Boxer each attempting to woo a clear and free mind to the darkness that resides in all people who cannot get passed their guilt for being rich and white. Thankfully for our hero, he was dirt poor, so he had to rely on the strength of the good side of the force called "reason" to battle the attractive and easy side of the force called "pinko, commie socialism, blinded by having feelings like a woman who cries due to pregnancy, menopause or some other hormonal influence that cannot be explained by science or any other form of locic" or "liberalism" for short.

Splencer grew strong and large, legend says when he was 14 he grew a foot, this made dancing tough and dating was rare due to him always tripping over his feet. Professionals never were able to tell if it was an additional left or right foot so they cut it off. While recovering from the foot surgery, Splencer had a vision (many alcoholics would call this a moment of clearity). In his dream he saw two wise prophets. They had a look of great concern and then suddenly the fat profit spoke, "I am the Grand Wizard Blackeye Master Mikey D, and this is my associate Master Blackeye, Heyjay. We need you to come to the heart of the strugle between good and evil, come to us, come to Washington, the force is strong with you." Then thay all did a baby GM and Splencer awoke.

Splencer was eager to follow his vision, for he knew now that it was his destiny to go to the battle ground and defend reason at every turn, just as the prophets asked him to, but he still had unfinished business in the Wicked West. Splencer had a few months left to finalize his graduation from Save the Planet School (high school to you and me) and there was the finals in the State Dumpster Diving Competition where Splencer would be representing his school, The P.E.T.A. High, Protesters versus their arch rival The Dogwood Alliance High, Tree Huggers. It of course ended in a tie so that no one would get upset, they all hugged, and shared the trophy made from butane free cow dung.

And now our hero heads east to follow his destiny...........

Splencer arrived in Washington, DC and prepared to go to battle at American University where the dark side of the force ran wildly rampant. He did not know where to find the prophets from his vision and he kept a wathchful eye for their existence. For 3 years he fought on his own with minimal success, learning little lessons along the way as his control of the force became more proficient. Then one day, as if by chance, he found the Blackeye Master Heyjay. Heyjay was in dusguise and created an atmosphere of indifference towards Splencer, thus making Splencer hate and mistrust him. After time a bond between the two was formed and it was time for Heyjay to reveal his identity to Splencer and thus introduce him to Mikey D and further his knowledge of the force, solidifying every defense against the dark side. The three pioneers launched their effort to use the force for good, as the dark side continued to ravage the people with lies and misinformation, specifically utilizing a tool that one of the most evil of all of the dark side of the force (Al Gore) invented, the internet. This internet had the ability to reach people instantly and pass false images and distortion on to weak wit, thus creating a mindless army of drones to fight for the dark side.

During the upbringing of our hero, almost simultaneously on the other side of the world, a young woman was reared and she had a destiny far beyond anything tht she or anyone that she knew could have imagined. Princess Mangela was anything but a princess. She picked up the nickname as a young lass when her classmates assumed she was Jewish, and it stuck. The kids in school would tease her because she was freakishly tall and Jewish (she was tall but not Jewish but that made little difference to the kids who were only trying to make her mentally strong). They would chant "Princess Mangela sucks, Princess Mangela sucks!"(This was oxymoronic because by the pure nature of those three little words "Princess Mangela Sucks" proves that she was not of the Hebrew faith) and the chant became shortened to "P-M-S, P-M-S!"

Fearing that Princess Mangela would develop a thick skin and become socially resilient, her parents removed her from regular school and placed her in a rudimentary communal hippy program. Over the years, she was infultrated by the dark side of the force which festers itself in hippy colonies. She learned the evil ways of unconditional love, free thought, (not really free at all because when the pot wears off you could be in jail or forget who you are especially if some sort of psychadellic antigen is introduced to create the level of disassociation from reality that allows people to entertain thoughts of unity and equality as they pertain to the financial distribution of wealth) the abilty to do nothing while receiving government subsidies, and most importantly, the strong distaste for people who reason by utilizing logic.

Destiny placed these to young liegonaires on a collision course and the prophets were ready. Splencer and Mangela met and quickly became intrigued with each other. Seldom would the differences in upbringing saddle their friendship and they would develop a relationship outside of the influences of the force. Blinded by their affection for each other, the two would grow to become inseperable. Slow and menotenous work by the Blackeye Masters would begin to liberate the infected mind of Princess Mangela while unknowingly Splencer would have an influence of paramount proportions.

Princess Mangela was tricked into relocating closer to the fight between good and evil by Splencer and she took up residence in the warring city of Washington, DC. Moving from the solace of the brainless hippy commune in rural America was quite the shock initially, but the addictive nature of the freeing of her mind overtook her previous comfort. As Mangela transformed in to a realistic thinker Splencer grew in strength. The Blakeye Masters turned the development of Princess Mangela, into a true warrior for good, over to Splencer and awarded him the title of Blackeye Knight. Mikey D and Heyjay were busy recuiting one of their toughest prodigees (a young man so infected by liberalism that it turned him gay) Moe Horton.

The fight for good continues. Splencer has done so well with his learner that he was rewarded with her hand in marriage (the thought being that if we can't turn all liberals to the good side of the force, we will breed them out) and the turning of Moe Horton (to the good side of the force) continues to progress but for now, a small victory for the good guys. May the force be with you.

Unless you are a liberal and then go suck a lemon.

To be Continued..............................................................as long as people read this and we can line up sponsorships with lots of money. If not go suck a lemon.

For my dear friends Spencer and Angela. Congratulations on your engagement!

I love you both!