High Tech

I have a cell phone that takes pictures. I have the ability to talk on-line with anyone in the world at any time of the day. I can push a button on my remote control and digitally watch a movie which will pause, fast foreword, rewind, and stop. These types of things have become the norm. Standard Operating Proceedure if you will.

There are many contraptions, inventions and discoveries in this world that are too amazing to believe. I do not understand how a micro technology created guitar can be played when it can not even be seen with the naked eye. Imagine Mick Jaggar performing from the tip of your pinky.

There is a company out in San Francisco, California called Genetic Savings and Clone. Get it? They will, for a nominal fee of $50,000, clone your cat for you. No lie, a lady in Texas bought a clone of her cat Nicky, who saddly had died at the ripe old age of 17. Now here is the really scary part, she named it Little Nicky. If I am going to spend $50,000 on a cat, you can be assured that I am not going to give it an inferiority complex right off the bat. Who could ever live up to the lagacy of the first Nicky? Anyway cats are free at the pound.

We sent a probe to Mars and found evidence of water. How about that "Columbo" move? We found water. Thank God! We traveled all the way to Mars because water is the only "most abundant thing on Earth". Just be glad we didn't find oil up there. You could bet your family farm we would be liberating Martians from what ever form of government that was oppressing them. Democracy for every Martian! This only makes sense because, as you know, Mars has been trying to attack our way of life since the invention of talky movies.

There is even a probe on Titan, one of the moons of Saturn. It has discovered that this moon is in it's infancy and resembles early Earth. True! How the f#$#* do they know? Is Saturn going up to the sun and saying "isn't she darling looks just her uncle Earth did?" This brings up another whole set of problems. When Titan or, oh lets call it "Little Earth" grows up and has people and stuff, will they have Saturday and Sunday swapped on their calendars because they actually rotate around the planet and not the Sun? How does the Sun feel about that? If there is one celestial formation that I do not think we should piss off, its the SUN!

We would be remiss, however, if we didn't discuss the three greatest inventions of all time:

A drum roll please.

In descending order the nominees for greatest invention of all time are:

3. Ati-viral tissue by Kleenex. Kleenex makes a tissue that when you blow your nose into a piece of synthetic cloth, you actually get anti-viral medicine. How does it get into your body if you are blowing into it. This is how it is amazing. We are one step away from curing cancer by spitting on people. I can hardly wait.

2. Riccola has invented a throat lozenge that builds your immune system. If only in 1981 we had this we could have eliminated HIV. Picture this scenerio, "Hey Doc, I'm all run down and I have the blemishes developing all over my body."

"Not to worry son its only AIDS, have a cough drop."

and the winner is

1. Glad makes a stretch trash bag that does not break. If you in anyway resemble me than you can watch that commercial for hours and feel the nervous anticipation and fear every time when that woman tries to put that bottle through the side of the bag. She just can't do it. I want to see some one take an icepick or hammerjack to it in the 80's way. This was when we shot a 45 caliber pistol at a Master lock to show its virility, or the image of the construction worker holding on to his helmet as it was "Crazy Glued" to a girder.

I must leave you now as prepare to travel to my vacation spot on Titan. I want to see how the evolution progress is coming. I might even warn them about the Black Plague. I will send you pictures from my phone so that you may enjoy my trip as much as I. And, please do not worry about my health, I have a full compliment of Riccola and Kleenex.