The Rules

I am a rules guy!

If someone has taken the time to implement a rule, I firmly believe that it should be followed with extreme prejudice. Now, I am not opposed to changing rules that are outdated or irrelevant. For example, if you want to shoe your horse on public property, I don't have a problem with it (just bring a shovel). It is then the responsibilty of rule makers and the surrounding community to enforce the rules any way they can as long as the enforcement of the rule does not violate some other rule (PETA hates tar and feathering for obvious reasons).

Following are some examples of incidences where rules are involved:

There is a coffee shop in my neighborhood. This shop shall remain nameless but it is very popular (you need to bring several "sawbucks" to afford the beverages). Due to the location of unsaid store, parking is not provided and the customers have completely taken over the intersection. It is sooooo bad that one day I witnessed a police officer parking on the sidewalk. If the protectors and enforcers of the law can not enforce or obey the laws themselves, I am going to have to personally get involved.

I can be seen following people to their illegally parked cars asking them, "Is that your car? Is that your car? Is that a space? Cause I had to step into traffic to get around your parked vehicle. I almost died! Where are you going? I'm still talking to you. Don't forget to signal when you pull out. Drive careful!" I usually get a hand signal.

Or, how about the lady who parks at the bus stop and runs in real fast (there is no such thing as "real fast" in this coffee shop) and comes out to find me sitting in her back seat.

"What are you doing in my car?"

"You mean bus, don't you lady? You were at the bus stop. Now I am ready to proceeded. There is $1.35 in you ashtray, so lets go."

"Oh, I almost forgot, I need a transfer."

It is illegal to use a mobile phone without handsfree technology and operate a motorized vehicle simultaneously in the District of Columbia. Unless you are a cop. If kevlar is standard issue why not a fucking ear piece?

I get them back by throwing on my vintage Thirst Aid Helmet (you know the one, with the piping coming from the helmet acting as a straw so you can wear your beverage on your head and still drink while at a game or something) and placing a PBR on each side, get in the car and go. When I get pulled over the following conversation is inevitable;

"Are you drinking?"

"Yes sir, but it's handsfree so my attention is on my driving."

Why stop short with the mobile phones, their just the new kid on the block. People have had distractions in the autos for years. Let's make it illegal to while driving; eat, read, shave, put on make up, smoke, masturbate, sing along with the radio, get a pedicure and turn right on red after stop. My bad, that's silly, you can smoke. (just not in California, NY or any other smoke free municipality)

All I'm askin' of you is this, will you please park legally when going into spend your $10 a day on coffee? I assure you that the time it takes to find a legal spot is less than replacing 4 tires and a windshield. Thank you and make it a great day!

Let's All Go On A Diet

Close your eyes if you will and picture...... Americana. What do you see? If you draw your visions from pop culture you may see; waving wheat, apple pie, baseball, a Chevy in a levy, purple mountain majesty or even a farmer, his wife and a pitch fork. Perhaps you see; kids playing in a field, a local barber shop with patrons sitting on the stoop, the hustle and bustle of Wall Street or any Rockwell painting. What Norman Rockwell will not show you is the true American; A 300lb. woman pushing a stroller with 3 toddlers while working a Big Mac, a soda that you could swim in and a Marlboro Ultra Light. I saw this! At the Zoo no less. I guarantee that this woman has a book somewhere in her home which will teach her how to lose all that weight and be healthy (thank god she is on the right track by smoking ultra lights).

Yesterday, I was on an elevator in a medical building going up. The elevator stopped on 5 where a woman entered holding a sub sandwich of some kind in one hand (it smelled great, cheesesteak if I'm guessin') and a large fountain drink in the other. She was wearing the colorful outfit of a nurse and she was definitely heavy for her height. I mention this only because she got off the frickin elevator at 7. Two floors! Had she walked up the damn stairs two flights perhaps the soda and sub might not add to the roundness of this poor UNINFORMED MEDICAL PERSON. How does this happen?

Japan has been trying to "Americanize" since the end of WWII. What has it gotten them? FAT!!! The average weight of a Japanese person has increased buy 25lbs.. Since 1960. It's not because they are getting taller. They went from 135 on average to 160. That's a big difference! Thank You Very Much Ray Kroc!!!

So lets all go on a diet! But which one? There are so many. We could try the Atkins Diet but Dr. Atkins slipped on ice and went into a comma before dying of his injuries. His Doctors claim that he did not have enough carbohydrates in his system to "pull through". Let's look further.

The South Beach Diet. This one is great! For the first two weeks you starve yourself near to death (I believe that's actually called anorexia) and the you gradually work your way up to the healthy point of going clubbing until dawn every night "dancing the pounds away". That sounds too expensive and I hate Florida.

Basically we should stay away from any thing that has diet in the name. If look up the word diet you will find that it is; a synonym for gimmick to suck cash out of fat people.

What about all these great work out tapes on the market. We can "Sweat to the Oldies", have rock hard abs, punch the pounds away, and dance our way into a size 2. I'm a dude so I do not know what a size 2 is. If you have ever tried one of these tapes or DVD's then you know the only part of you body that gets a workout is your neck from constantly looking around to see if the neighbors are watching. If you have a lot of extra shelf space or a box that needs filling in your storage area this is a good way to go.

How about a home gym? Body by Jake? The Ab Lounge? (this makes sense, why not the stomach hammock?) Bowflex? (have you ever tried to put one of these together? It's like building spider web) Save your money and buy a coat rack. It's cheaper and serves the same purpose.

So what are we going to do? It's no wonder that the consumer is just getting fatter and fatter. Maybe we should go with a more simple approach. I have always believed that when it comes right down to it, the answer to most physical problems can be found in either math or physics. So into the lab I go. I'll be back soon.

musical interlude






Eureka! I've got it! Here is the formula that will save us all.

CB-CC=WV (calories burned minus calories consumed equal weight variance)

So if we consume more calories than we burn we will get fat, but if we burn more than we consume we will get thin.

So have a half a sub, a small drink and take the fuckin stairs.