Big Bang Ringtone

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. After many years of working with the deaf and then opening a teaching school for instructors of the hearing impaired, Bell and his trusty side kick Thomas Watson had the first ever (and now very famous) conversation transmitted across telephone wires. "Can you hear me now?" walk two paces, "Can you hear me now?" two more paces. "How about now? Good!" It was March 10, 1876.

Now the evolution of the phone is very interesting and complicated. For some of you younger readers the information that you are about to consume might be disturbing so please use caution when reading. Some truths about the phone evolving are these;

1900's -- When you needed to call someone you used the community phone. Everyone in your town had the same number and it wasn't a party line.

1920's-30's -- Copper wire was going up everywhere and jobs were plentiful unless you lived in the U.S. where the market crashed and the only people with money were the Kennedy's and the Rockefeller's. When these two families placed a call (they could only speak to each other of course) a voice would say "number please!" and they would say something like Rockefeller 90210 and the call would be placed.

1940's -- The phone is starting to become part of the every day routine. Gossip has become the primary use for phone calls as women talk during the day, mostly about the length of skirts that the younger women are wearing these days and how many Japanese-Americans are disappearing.

1950's -- Sarah from the Andy Griffith show becomes the first famous telephone operator. She later would publish a tell-all book about the happenings in Mayberry. Apparently, Aunt Bea and Gomer got drunk together one night and threw cherry pies at Floyd the barbers house. What a riot! Its available from Simon and Schuster $14.95. $5.95 on E-Bay.

1960's -- The first touch tone phones circulate. Before now there were only rotary phones, you know the ones with the round dial that had to be turned for each number. There was a clicking sound which attracted an assortment of animals all clamoring in the direction of the phone being dialed (many believe it was just this type of event which inspired Alfred Hitchcock to write the screenplay for The Birds). The touch tone phone, named aptly because when you touched each button it produced a distinguishable tone, was fast and easy and fun. Many quickly learned how to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while sitting in their parlor. Does anyone know a person who has a parlor in their home anymore? The only one who did not like the touch tone was the proud owner of the phone number 627-9423.

1970's -- Radio stations made the 'phone- in contest' part of pop culture. This is how it worked, the deejay (not V-J, you actually had to imagine what the announcer looked like, oh and for those of you who are perplexed, imagine is defined as; to form a mental image of something not present. It is not just a John Lennon song.) would say "the 20th caller wins a prize" (a Led Zepplin tee-shirt or maybe tickets to an acid party) and you would call. It was not unlikely that you would get a busy signal, when the line was being used or busy if you will, after dialing all 7 numbers (there were only 7 numbers back then) you would hear a tone that went buh-buh-buh-buh and be forced to hang up and try again. Now, not only was there no such thing as redial, but you may have wandered away from the phone, (which was probably affixed to the wall in your kitchen) because it was cool to have a cord (the handset and ear piece were actually attached to the phone itself) that was 100 ft. in length. The only way mothers could find their daughters in the 70's was to yank on the phone cord as if they were pulling a 120lb. Marlin out of the sea.

Crank calling became popular in the 70's. Calling a tobacco shop, "Do have Prince Edward in a Can?" "Yes we do." "Well you better let him out! Ha! Ha! Ha!" or my all time favorite, "Is your refrigerator running?" Why yes it is!" "Well you better go catch it!" More big laughs.

1980's -- This decade saw great strides in the evolution of communication. Cordless phones entered the home thus finding a whole new species of static. People would say and I quote, "No really Bob, I'm standing in my frickin driveway man, no not in my house, the phone is in there but I'm out here, Bob? Bob? Are you still there?"

Of course soon to follow was the phone with the "handset locator". Inevitably the phone handset would find its way to the infamous black hole of the home which sucks in items like, the remote control, the car keys, reading glasses and Cheetos.

Every girl named Jenny had the number 867-5309.

Then it happened, everyone had a beeper or pager if you will. This was a device that was originally made for doctors and other emergency personnel so that their girlfriends could stop calling the house and hanging up when their wife answered. It became mainstream so quickly that the U.S. mint had to print twice as many quarters because everyone was running to the nearest pay phone every 5 min. to return pages.

Zack Morris and his cell phone was next. The television show Saved by the Bell introduced us to a high school boy who had a mobile phone the size of a canoe. In fact during one episode Zack re-enacted the settling of Jamestown for his class and had Skreech dress up like Pocahontas and sit in his phone. They got into a mess of trouble when while pretending to row Skreech accidentally called the Kremlin. Russia was then the enemy, now they would probably ask for a low interest loan.

1990's -- Technology Booms! Al Gore's internet invention allows people to communicate without using the phone, which has become an inconvenience due to telemarketers, collection agencies and people who have timeshare specials. The phone industry panics and the U.S. mint recalls 9 billion dollars in quarters as public pay telephones disappear like Iraqi Republican National Guardsmen. Call waiting, caller ID, and self contained voicemail, are created so the owner of a phone never actually has to talk to anyone.

2000's -- The new millennium. People have gotten so sophisticated that this is an example of the common phone conversation today.

"Hello"

"Oh? You answered. I was going to leave you a message."

"Well since you have me, what is it?"

"I just wanted to tell that I would be late because I got caught up downloading some new ring tones for my phone."

"Oh yeah, what did you get?"

"I'll let you hear when I see you."

"Can you play them for me now?"

"My phone doesn't do that, I mean I can't talk and scroll through my tones at the same time, I mean if I can I don't know how to. Maybe you can show me when I see you."

"Okay."

"I'm almost there, so I'll see you in 10 min."

"Yeah fine, text me when you get close and I will come outside."

"Okay see ya!"

It has become so ridiculous that we are now surfing the web, playing games, typing messages and selecting ringers for our phones 24-7. I know someone who has a different ringtone for every person in their contact list. (we don't have phone books or address books anymore) 125 different songs. It is so bad that he doesn't even know who has what ring. The phone rings Y.M.C.A. Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. and he still has to look at the caller ID to see who is calling him.

It used to be fun, back in the day, when the phone would ring and every adolescent would go sprinting into the kitchen to grab the phone. Certainly someone would be nearly decapitated as the cord became taught when the receiver entered a joining room. All this effort only to pass the phone to Mom so that Aunt Doris can give her a new recipe from the most recent issue of Better Homes and Gardens.

I truly believe that if Alexander Graham Bell new what he was starting, he would have cut off his ears and moved to the south of France.

Legacy

From the beginning of measured time the human race has shown examples of fathers leaving to their sons a legacy for their succession. A man, striving to serve his family well, will often times step up and establish the family name so it is recognized in conjunction with an act, or deed, or event that will be beholden to the hearts of all who's ears the family name should fall upon. It is then the duty of the eldest son to carry on the name and reputation for which it is known with honor and dignity.

For any or all who do not know of which I speak, here are a few examples;

God and Jesus. God sent his one begotten son to die for all of mans sins. Had there not been an apple and a serpent then Adam might have sufficed and there would not have been a need for the great flood or Easter, or lent for that matter (I could sure go for a Stoli O right about now). As it turned out we (humans) can sin as much as we want and Jesus (thanks in part to Mel Gibson) is a movie star as well as the subject for best selling authors with a single name like; Luke, John, Paul, George, Ringo and Cher.

Prince Charles and William and Harry. Prince Charles has been in the limelight for such a long time that it feels like he has just always been with us. His own legacy appears to be the throne of England and upon delivery of the kingdom Charles has vowed to finally take Scotland so England can host the Open Championship every year without sharing its tradition with "those sheep bladder playin' skirts".

Aside from possibly developing the ears and knobby knees, these sons' legacies may greatly differ from each other. William has vowed to "get as much tail as I can bloody well get." while growing in to adulthood, and Harry, well, he's a Nazi lover. So long live the King, PLEASE?

The Husseins. Oh sorry! My Bad! His sons are all dead and he might as well be. Bad example.

The Kennedys. Can you believe that after all the Kennedy influence in the U.S. and around the world, from bootlegging in the 20's and 30's to buying a Presidency, through two assasinations and two car crashes, three debilitating illnesses and the crown prince of New York dying in a plane crash, all they are left with is Arnold. The Republican Gubernator from Austria is here to "pump us up " (Ted Kennedy, the 80 proof bloat that he his, need no pumping maybe a little trimming. Keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times or until you hit the water at which time you may swim for your own life disregarding whatever skank may be drowning in your passenger seat and please, try to replace the guard rail.) Good luck Arnie, I hope this works out better than Kindergarten Cop.

The Bush Family. Ah! G-Bu has the greatest legacy success story of all. He left a life of luxury and posh to preserve the family name and the influence that it will have on history. George II (I just realized that this is really one of two things; a bad sequel to a bad movie or, I should still be talking about England's royal family. Did we not once have a problem with a King named George?) was sitting in his luxury box eating peanuts and cracker jack and certainly not caring if he ever got back (he was soooooo stoned) while watching Nolan Ryan and his Texas Rangers limp through the 162 game baseball season each year.

In 1994 he began his quest for the oval office by dethroning a screaming liberal female govenor who did not among other things, relate to the ever growing Hispanic community. In 2000 "Jorge the Inquisitor" slipped past "Big Gay Al" (with a little help from his brother Jeb and the other Clampetts) to ascend to the most powerful position in the free world, Celebrity Jeopardy Champion. Bring on Ken!

His legacy is however not the West Wing (that belongs to Martin Sheen and Emilo Estevez has already called next) but Saddam. The only two American world leaders who have ever gone to war in Iraq were George I and GeorgeII (back with a vengeance) and this was only after watching Lawrence of Arabia to inspire them. In George II (back with a vengeance) they actually capture Saddam and prepare him for trial while spreading democracy throughout the Middle East (look for Keno to hit Baghdad liquor stores by early fall).

Be patient, because Disney is planning a 2008 release of George III (Jeb, Jenna and Little Barb in 3-D). We are told that Saddam escapes prison and builds a laser on the moon which will destroy earth. Thankfully Jeb, Jenna and Little Barb encounter some gamma rays while consuming Bahamaritas and Ultimate Pina'coladas at the Pearl Champagne Lounge in South Beach and develop super powers. Super Bushes to the rescue! Advance tickets are recommended.

My family is no different. Alright, my dad is no world leader or actor, no sports personality nor evil dictator (that was my mom) but there is a legacy in the Guy family to be left for me.

Eyebrows.

My dad has eyebrows that you could lose a 1984 Ford Escort in. Think Jack Elam (you may remember him as Dr. Nikolas Van Helsing from Cannonball Run, Duh-Duh-Dunnn). I made some inquires to see if there was anything to be done for him since his eyebrows are merging with what was a receding hairline, and the only person who thought that they could help was John Deere. But even he was skeptical about the outcome.

Now I come from a family where if you have a weakness or minor malady it is fair game for the other family members to verbally attack you until you cry. Then we take a break until the tears stop. So for years I have been teasing my old man about his eyebrows. "Hey Dad take your visor off." Ha! Ha! Ha! Then one day about two years ago I saw it in the mirror. One eyebrow longer than the rest and aimed in the opposite direction. I froze. This can not be.

Plucking, trimming and primping are all part of my daily routine now. I used to be tough guy and now every day is like Ambush Makeover in my own home. Had I known that it would be like this I would have had laser surgery long ago. I am considering removing my eyebrows permanently and having the perfect eyebrows tattooed on my face.

As with most things, it could be a lot worse. I can groom my eyebrows with little effort (lots of recent practice) and it gives me time to reflect on myself. Oh, and if you are starting to feel sorry for me, don't. My brother got dads nose.

History Lesson

"Those who fail to learn from history are destined to repeat it." It's very true. As many of you know, on Thursdays at Helix Lounge we do a performance of It's Raining Men at 10:30. About a month ago, some pyrotechnics were added to the show and each and every time we use a specific lighter, the holder of the flame catches fire. Now, its a good show and arm hair being not so important, we have conceded to the effect and disregarded health for the good of the show. After all, who would not enjoy watching Patrick wave his arm around in a panicked flail while it quickly burned like the poly-skin on T3000 Terminator model after Linda Hamilton and Michael Biehn crashed a fuel truck with the cyborg in it. My point is simply, we do the same trick every week and every week someone catches fire.

Speaking of stupidity, North Korea has Nuclear Weapons. If you did not hear from one of the umpteen billion news media that "broke" the news, than let me be the first to inform you. North Korea claims to be a player.

President Bush has refuted the claim saying that it can't be true because, "there is just no such thing as nuclear weapons, they may have nuklar weapons and if so we should look into that."

Vice President Cheney had no comment because he was too busy excitedly planning our exit strategy from the war in North Korea.

Iranian and Syrian officials were duly pissed. One Iranian was quoted, "I was led to believe that we were next. It's not fair because the U.S. already had a war with them back in the 50's and we have been waiting for so long. We didn't realize that the nuclear program was still the kicker, I guess terrorism has run its course. We are going to rethink our entire 'get the U.S. to go to war with us to save our country from economic ruin' strategy."

Not to worry my little Middle Eastern friends, we are not finished with you yet. You still have stuff that we need. Now if a country develops, which has unlimited resources of, oh let's say, social security or health care reforms, we may abandon your oil fields (I mean... Need for democracy and freedom) to attack and rebuild that nation.

But lest we drift from our purpose, North Korea. The North Koreans are only trying to attract attention to themselves. They pose no real threat. It's 2005. Announcing that you have nuclear weapons is so 80's. India and Pakistan entered the nuclear world with little pomp and circumstance because the did not develop expansive delivery systems and could only blow each other up. No one cared. Today.. I think Microsoft would have to get involved. Just imagine if Bill Gates had to pay an American to answer a customer service call because New Delhi is gone. Software prices would go through the roof.

So, who could North Korea attack?

1. South Korea. Too close--- the fall out would destroy N. Korea.
2. China. Not advisable.
3. Japan. The U.S. is their army. Think about it.

Also, a small reminder to any Korean who is in favor of delivering a small nuke manually into the U.S. or any protected state; Japan surrendered in 48 hours after the U.S. flexed her muscles. Colonel Quadafi has been sucking up ever since his family experienced some U.S. F-15 anguish. The "conflicts" that the U.S. armed forces have participated in since they last visited your fine nation have been the equivalent of a kitten playing with a ball of string.

The U.S. has been very savvy about minimizing civilian casualties and protecting non military personnel. If you think that you are now a player in the nuclear era please remember one thing, you are holding a feather in a sword fight. The last time an American official held a feather he was the signing of the Declaration of Independence. True, the pen is mightier than the sword but, do you really want to chance the amount of ink it would take? One word, fission.

President Bush is a strong supporter of fission. He was quoted, "Of course I support fission, I got my very own trout stream back at the ranch in Crawford."