Big Bang Ringtone

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. After many years of working with the deaf and then opening a teaching school for instructors of the hearing impaired, Bell and his trusty side kick Thomas Watson had the first ever (and now very famous) conversation transmitted across telephone wires. "Can you hear me now?" walk two paces, "Can you hear me now?" two more paces. "How about now? Good!" It was March 10, 1876.

Now the evolution of the phone is very interesting and complicated. For some of you younger readers the information that you are about to consume might be disturbing so please use caution when reading. Some truths about the phone evolving are these;

1900's -- When you needed to call someone you used the community phone. Everyone in your town had the same number and it wasn't a party line.

1920's-30's -- Copper wire was going up everywhere and jobs were plentiful unless you lived in the U.S. where the market crashed and the only people with money were the Kennedy's and the Rockefeller's. When these two families placed a call (they could only speak to each other of course) a voice would say "number please!" and they would say something like Rockefeller 90210 and the call would be placed.

1940's -- The phone is starting to become part of the every day routine. Gossip has become the primary use for phone calls as women talk during the day, mostly about the length of skirts that the younger women are wearing these days and how many Japanese-Americans are disappearing.

1950's -- Sarah from the Andy Griffith show becomes the first famous telephone operator. She later would publish a tell-all book about the happenings in Mayberry. Apparently, Aunt Bea and Gomer got drunk together one night and threw cherry pies at Floyd the barbers house. What a riot! Its available from Simon and Schuster $14.95. $5.95 on E-Bay.

1960's -- The first touch tone phones circulate. Before now there were only rotary phones, you know the ones with the round dial that had to be turned for each number. There was a clicking sound which attracted an assortment of animals all clamoring in the direction of the phone being dialed (many believe it was just this type of event which inspired Alfred Hitchcock to write the screenplay for The Birds). The touch tone phone, named aptly because when you touched each button it produced a distinguishable tone, was fast and easy and fun. Many quickly learned how to play "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while sitting in their parlor. Does anyone know a person who has a parlor in their home anymore? The only one who did not like the touch tone was the proud owner of the phone number 627-9423.

1970's -- Radio stations made the 'phone- in contest' part of pop culture. This is how it worked, the deejay (not V-J, you actually had to imagine what the announcer looked like, oh and for those of you who are perplexed, imagine is defined as; to form a mental image of something not present. It is not just a John Lennon song.) would say "the 20th caller wins a prize" (a Led Zepplin tee-shirt or maybe tickets to an acid party) and you would call. It was not unlikely that you would get a busy signal, when the line was being used or busy if you will, after dialing all 7 numbers (there were only 7 numbers back then) you would hear a tone that went buh-buh-buh-buh and be forced to hang up and try again. Now, not only was there no such thing as redial, but you may have wandered away from the phone, (which was probably affixed to the wall in your kitchen) because it was cool to have a cord (the handset and ear piece were actually attached to the phone itself) that was 100 ft. in length. The only way mothers could find their daughters in the 70's was to yank on the phone cord as if they were pulling a 120lb. Marlin out of the sea.

Crank calling became popular in the 70's. Calling a tobacco shop, "Do have Prince Edward in a Can?" "Yes we do." "Well you better let him out! Ha! Ha! Ha!" or my all time favorite, "Is your refrigerator running?" Why yes it is!" "Well you better go catch it!" More big laughs.

1980's -- This decade saw great strides in the evolution of communication. Cordless phones entered the home thus finding a whole new species of static. People would say and I quote, "No really Bob, I'm standing in my frickin driveway man, no not in my house, the phone is in there but I'm out here, Bob? Bob? Are you still there?"

Of course soon to follow was the phone with the "handset locator". Inevitably the phone handset would find its way to the infamous black hole of the home which sucks in items like, the remote control, the car keys, reading glasses and Cheetos.

Every girl named Jenny had the number 867-5309.

Then it happened, everyone had a beeper or pager if you will. This was a device that was originally made for doctors and other emergency personnel so that their girlfriends could stop calling the house and hanging up when their wife answered. It became mainstream so quickly that the U.S. mint had to print twice as many quarters because everyone was running to the nearest pay phone every 5 min. to return pages.

Zack Morris and his cell phone was next. The television show Saved by the Bell introduced us to a high school boy who had a mobile phone the size of a canoe. In fact during one episode Zack re-enacted the settling of Jamestown for his class and had Skreech dress up like Pocahontas and sit in his phone. They got into a mess of trouble when while pretending to row Skreech accidentally called the Kremlin. Russia was then the enemy, now they would probably ask for a low interest loan.

1990's -- Technology Booms! Al Gore's internet invention allows people to communicate without using the phone, which has become an inconvenience due to telemarketers, collection agencies and people who have timeshare specials. The phone industry panics and the U.S. mint recalls 9 billion dollars in quarters as public pay telephones disappear like Iraqi Republican National Guardsmen. Call waiting, caller ID, and self contained voicemail, are created so the owner of a phone never actually has to talk to anyone.

2000's -- The new millennium. People have gotten so sophisticated that this is an example of the common phone conversation today.

"Hello"

"Oh? You answered. I was going to leave you a message."

"Well since you have me, what is it?"

"I just wanted to tell that I would be late because I got caught up downloading some new ring tones for my phone."

"Oh yeah, what did you get?"

"I'll let you hear when I see you."

"Can you play them for me now?"

"My phone doesn't do that, I mean I can't talk and scroll through my tones at the same time, I mean if I can I don't know how to. Maybe you can show me when I see you."

"Okay."

"I'm almost there, so I'll see you in 10 min."

"Yeah fine, text me when you get close and I will come outside."

"Okay see ya!"

It has become so ridiculous that we are now surfing the web, playing games, typing messages and selecting ringers for our phones 24-7. I know someone who has a different ringtone for every person in their contact list. (we don't have phone books or address books anymore) 125 different songs. It is so bad that he doesn't even know who has what ring. The phone rings Y.M.C.A. Its fun to stay at the Y.M.C.A. and he still has to look at the caller ID to see who is calling him.

It used to be fun, back in the day, when the phone would ring and every adolescent would go sprinting into the kitchen to grab the phone. Certainly someone would be nearly decapitated as the cord became taught when the receiver entered a joining room. All this effort only to pass the phone to Mom so that Aunt Doris can give her a new recipe from the most recent issue of Better Homes and Gardens.

I truly believe that if Alexander Graham Bell new what he was starting, he would have cut off his ears and moved to the south of France.