The Rules

I am a rules guy!

If someone has taken the time to implement a rule, I firmly believe that it should be followed with extreme prejudice. Now, I am not opposed to changing rules that are outdated or irrelevant. For example, if you want to shoe your horse on public property, I don't have a problem with it (just bring a shovel). It is then the responsibilty of rule makers and the surrounding community to enforce the rules any way they can as long as the enforcement of the rule does not violate some other rule (PETA hates tar and feathering for obvious reasons).

Following are some examples of incidences where rules are involved:

There is a coffee shop in my neighborhood. This shop shall remain nameless but it is very popular (you need to bring several "sawbucks" to afford the beverages). Due to the location of unsaid store, parking is not provided and the customers have completely taken over the intersection. It is sooooo bad that one day I witnessed a police officer parking on the sidewalk. If the protectors and enforcers of the law can not enforce or obey the laws themselves, I am going to have to personally get involved.

I can be seen following people to their illegally parked cars asking them, "Is that your car? Is that your car? Is that a space? Cause I had to step into traffic to get around your parked vehicle. I almost died! Where are you going? I'm still talking to you. Don't forget to signal when you pull out. Drive careful!" I usually get a hand signal.

Or, how about the lady who parks at the bus stop and runs in real fast (there is no such thing as "real fast" in this coffee shop) and comes out to find me sitting in her back seat.

"What are you doing in my car?"

"You mean bus, don't you lady? You were at the bus stop. Now I am ready to proceeded. There is $1.35 in you ashtray, so lets go."

"Oh, I almost forgot, I need a transfer."

It is illegal to use a mobile phone without handsfree technology and operate a motorized vehicle simultaneously in the District of Columbia. Unless you are a cop. If kevlar is standard issue why not a fucking ear piece?

I get them back by throwing on my vintage Thirst Aid Helmet (you know the one, with the piping coming from the helmet acting as a straw so you can wear your beverage on your head and still drink while at a game or something) and placing a PBR on each side, get in the car and go. When I get pulled over the following conversation is inevitable;

"Are you drinking?"

"Yes sir, but it's handsfree so my attention is on my driving."

Why stop short with the mobile phones, their just the new kid on the block. People have had distractions in the autos for years. Let's make it illegal to while driving; eat, read, shave, put on make up, smoke, masturbate, sing along with the radio, get a pedicure and turn right on red after stop. My bad, that's silly, you can smoke. (just not in California, NY or any other smoke free municipality)

All I'm askin' of you is this, will you please park legally when going into spend your $10 a day on coffee? I assure you that the time it takes to find a legal spot is less than replacing 4 tires and a windshield. Thank you and make it a great day!