What Mom Didn't Teach Me
I have the greatest parents in the world. No, really, you can borrow them some time.
You should have a little background to completely understand my story. Mom and Dad are from Indiana. They lived like the people we laughed at in Smallville and Back to the Future. They moved east to secure a living for themselves and an education for my brother. I never liked authority. There are, however, three things that I took out of my childhood which will stay with me for life; wet leaves are the worst, no babies, and all we want is happy well adjusted adults.
I will asses the success of these three directives.
I am terrified of autumn. When the leaves start to fall I am horrified. If it should happen to rain shortly thereafter, I can be seen crawling along the ground fearful of what might happen if I should encounter a wet leaf and tumble to my death.
Babies seem to be less of a fear because dating is difficult in my business and hookers insist on contraception. (Now my mom wants to know when she is going to have grandchildren. My brother is married so I differ the question to the guy who went and got an education and fully benefited from the move east.)
Happy well adjusted adults is the "prime directive" and so we shall use this as our true test.
In keeping with the plan, at the ripe old age of nine, I was led to the laundry room for my instruction on proper laundry execution. I learned how to wash, dry, fabric soften, bleach and fold (although folding was perfected after hours of research by watching the pretty girl who worked at The Gap). I am not a stalker.........................................Anymore!
Armed with all of my laundry knowledge after graduating from the Guy School of Enslavery, I ventured off to do my laundry in the outside world. There are a few "real world" issues that were not properly covered.
Laundry is not free! When you leave home for the first time you should get a roll of quarters.
No one abides by Only Use Two Machines At A Time. I am a rules guy and this rebellious activity infuriates me. I will wait. When the offender returns at the end of Springer to remove their shit, nine and one half minutes after the machine has completed its cycle, I simply say, "Hey Trotsky, do you not know how to fuckin read? You are real God Damn lucky that I do not kick the ever lovin crap out of you and put you on the next episode of General Hospital."
I work nights.
People leave their clothes unattended. I can not tell you the number of times I have had clothes to be dried and every dryer is full of other peoples already dried clothing, yet they are no where to be found. I once had an ally who suggested that I remove the laundry and commandeer the machine. I found that it was much more satisfying to add money to the offenders machine and place a magic marker in their load. My clothes will dry eventually.
The proper operation of the dish washer was another lesson to be carried into adulthood. I can load and unload with best of em'. Do you know how many meals you have to eat to fill a dishwasher when you live alone? I have 75 frickin' plates just so I don't have to pull dishes out of the dishwasher and wash them by hand to have another meal on a clean plate. I would by paper plates, but then I would have to take the trash out more. Scraping plates before they go into the dish washer is stupid. Why clean a plate before you clean the plate? If something sticks on the plate when it goes through the dish washer, is it not just as clean as the plate? Its only logical.
I learned how to cook in my parents home. Once or twice a week my brother and I were forced to cook for the family. We made spaghetti or chicken or something all engineered to develop our culinary skills for adulthood. Newsflash to all parents! When your children leave home to go to college, or to go into the real world, or to go to prison (actually in prison they cook for you) THEY HAVE NO MONEY! Ramen Noodles take one cup of water and one minute in the microwave! Beer can be purchased by the pitcher! We don't need milk for anything (cereal is just as good with beer). This is the stuff that you should teach them. Cooking will come.
My parents always had a way about them that seemed to be extremely weird at the time, but as I grow older it makes more sense. I always attributed it to "Midwestern Values" but the recipe is universal. Be good to people, care about them and they will care about you.
Am I well adjusted? Of course I am.
Isn't every man when he loosens his shorts?
You should have a little background to completely understand my story. Mom and Dad are from Indiana. They lived like the people we laughed at in Smallville and Back to the Future. They moved east to secure a living for themselves and an education for my brother. I never liked authority. There are, however, three things that I took out of my childhood which will stay with me for life; wet leaves are the worst, no babies, and all we want is happy well adjusted adults.
I will asses the success of these three directives.
I am terrified of autumn. When the leaves start to fall I am horrified. If it should happen to rain shortly thereafter, I can be seen crawling along the ground fearful of what might happen if I should encounter a wet leaf and tumble to my death.
Babies seem to be less of a fear because dating is difficult in my business and hookers insist on contraception. (Now my mom wants to know when she is going to have grandchildren. My brother is married so I differ the question to the guy who went and got an education and fully benefited from the move east.)
Happy well adjusted adults is the "prime directive" and so we shall use this as our true test.
In keeping with the plan, at the ripe old age of nine, I was led to the laundry room for my instruction on proper laundry execution. I learned how to wash, dry, fabric soften, bleach and fold (although folding was perfected after hours of research by watching the pretty girl who worked at The Gap). I am not a stalker.........................................Anymore!
Armed with all of my laundry knowledge after graduating from the Guy School of Enslavery, I ventured off to do my laundry in the outside world. There are a few "real world" issues that were not properly covered.
Laundry is not free! When you leave home for the first time you should get a roll of quarters.
No one abides by Only Use Two Machines At A Time. I am a rules guy and this rebellious activity infuriates me. I will wait. When the offender returns at the end of Springer to remove their shit, nine and one half minutes after the machine has completed its cycle, I simply say, "Hey Trotsky, do you not know how to fuckin read? You are real God Damn lucky that I do not kick the ever lovin crap out of you and put you on the next episode of General Hospital."
I work nights.
People leave their clothes unattended. I can not tell you the number of times I have had clothes to be dried and every dryer is full of other peoples already dried clothing, yet they are no where to be found. I once had an ally who suggested that I remove the laundry and commandeer the machine. I found that it was much more satisfying to add money to the offenders machine and place a magic marker in their load. My clothes will dry eventually.
The proper operation of the dish washer was another lesson to be carried into adulthood. I can load and unload with best of em'. Do you know how many meals you have to eat to fill a dishwasher when you live alone? I have 75 frickin' plates just so I don't have to pull dishes out of the dishwasher and wash them by hand to have another meal on a clean plate. I would by paper plates, but then I would have to take the trash out more. Scraping plates before they go into the dish washer is stupid. Why clean a plate before you clean the plate? If something sticks on the plate when it goes through the dish washer, is it not just as clean as the plate? Its only logical.
I learned how to cook in my parents home. Once or twice a week my brother and I were forced to cook for the family. We made spaghetti or chicken or something all engineered to develop our culinary skills for adulthood. Newsflash to all parents! When your children leave home to go to college, or to go into the real world, or to go to prison (actually in prison they cook for you) THEY HAVE NO MONEY! Ramen Noodles take one cup of water and one minute in the microwave! Beer can be purchased by the pitcher! We don't need milk for anything (cereal is just as good with beer). This is the stuff that you should teach them. Cooking will come.
My parents always had a way about them that seemed to be extremely weird at the time, but as I grow older it makes more sense. I always attributed it to "Midwestern Values" but the recipe is universal. Be good to people, care about them and they will care about you.
Am I well adjusted? Of course I am.
Isn't every man when he loosens his shorts?
posted by isthebartenderhere at 1/28/2005 11:45:00 AM
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