The Life and Times of a Modern Day Vampire

I was returning from my daily morning trip to the lobby of my apartment building where they are compassionate enough to serve complimentary coffee each day until 11 am. (that's 8 am for my friends on the west coast, shout out to T-$ and Maddog) when a random woman had the following exchange with me on the elevator. (As a rule, I do not make small talk with fellow elevator riders. It seems to me to be an absolute waste of perfectly good quiet and ultimately meaningless. Try this, the next time someone gets on an elevator with you and says something benign like "Some weather we're having huh?" Please feel free to respond with this, "Yeah, kinda wants to make you go out slaughter elephants and roll around in your own feces doesn't it?" They will take your point.)

Anyway.....She said to me, "Is it still cold outside?" (always wheather on the elevator, I don't get it)

To which I responded, "I don't know yet, but it was cold when I got home, because I'm a vampire."

She preceded to turn ghostly white and fix her stare on the elevator floor. I, not totally without sensitivity, I attempted to put her at ease buy saying, "Not to worry Hun, big night last night. I'm still full." I will never have to talk to her again.

Now, please don't get me wrong, we people of the night don't just randomly express detest for the day people. We are simply operating on a different schedule from them and hoping to co-exist without alienating ourselves or upsetting the delicate balance of our two worlds. We need day people because they are our primary source of food, and they need us because we become the catalyst for providing them with an escape from the mundane day world by leading them into the adventures of the night. We must co-exist, so this should serve as a guide to understanding and appreciating vampires.

What is a vampire? The definition of vampire has varied over the years but it is simply this; someone who is in the service industry and works late nights. The first vampires were reported in Eastern Europe where pub owners and their wenches would stay up all night doing body shots and keg stands until the first rays of light would hit the cracks in the boarded windows. Screams from the partiers could be heard across the village when the sun hit their red and swollen eyes, but quiet would soon ensue as they scampered cockroach like to the darkness to sleep off the booze. They would then rise as the sun settled behind the horizon, pale and hollowed from hibernation, starvation pounding at their stomach walls keeping sychronized rhythm with the hammering inside of their heads. A quest would begin for food and wine. As the first shadows of moonlight hidden, danced across the village streets, our night people could be seen escaping the haze of wine withdrawal as they gulped and feasted, returning their beaten and beleaguered bodies to the strength and vigor which manifests in the night air. The cycle complete, to be repeated daily and for eternity.

Some misnomers and explanations:

Vampires suck peoples blood. Untrue. The myth of the vampire reached London and they quicky realized they they too had a very serious vampire problem hidden within the Tavern and Inn community. Vampires would be seen stumbling home (to their lair) after imbibing for countless late night hours with the reminence of wine stained on their clothing. This was the time of the high collar, which was most often white, and the stains from wine spillage would look like blood. So obviously the vampire was out sucking blood from unsuspecting lasses all night long.

Dracula was a vampire. No. Bram Stoker made him one. In 1897 Stoker published his horror novel which loosely, and I mean very loosely, was based on Vlad Dracula First Prince of Walachia. Vlad Dracul was the ruler of Walachia and placed in to exile before his son Vlad Dracula was born in 1431. Dracul means dragon in Romanian and Dracula is appropriately translated to son of dragon. In 1447 Vlad Dracul was murdered thus leaving the throne to his son Vlad Dracula. Dracula ruled with an iron fist motivated by rage and revenge. He killed tens of thousands of his own people, impaling them and leaving their limp impaled bodies in public view as a reminder to all that he was absolute. He was Vlad the Impailer. To the best of my knowledge, he never owned or even worked in a tavern or pub. He was just a viscous dude, and Bram Stoker was grossly uninformed.

Vampires don't like garlic. Come on! We work in bars and restaurants.

Crosses and wooden stakes are the best defenses against vampires. First of all, crosses themselves have no effect on us so stop wasting everyone's time and put them away. Granted we are not a big "church going" crowd and our lifestyle perhaps makes us vulnerable to sin and subsequently ex-communication, but to assume that we will be harmed by an iconic artifact is senseless. A wooden stake through the heart will kill us, but so will just about any other form of execution. We are not impervious to bullets, knifes, or boring conversation. If you want to kill us, the best way is to remove all of the 24 hour diners and carry outs across the nation. We will eventually die of insanity or malnourishment.

Vampires sleep in coffins. Where does one buy a coffin to sleep in? A vampire walks into Mattress Discounters and asks the salesperson, "I'm looking for a king size coffin to complete my new bedroom suite, can you show me something from you Colonial Collection?" A sure fire way to end up in the pokey or looney bin.

So if you happen to be a day person, please know that we do not crave your blood. We do not want to make you one of us, you either are or you are not. All we we covet is your money and your impaired judgment. If you should find yourself in our lair, do not be alarmed. You aren't there to be sacrificed, rather some naked wrestling in the Bedroom Olympics. (try doing that in a coffin)

So when you see us at 3 pm with our bloodshot eyes and pale skin, please know that we are simply starting our day and may be a little testy. Be kind by being quiet, after all, it has been 9 hours without libation and our heads are killing us.